CRYSTAL BALL...
CHRIS LINCOLN TAKES A LOOK AT WHAT COULD (BUT PROBABLY WON’T) HAPPEN IN 2019
Predictions for the year ahead
THE year doesn’t start well for Javi Gracia and Watford. After another slump in form, the Hornets decide it has been too long since they sacked a manager and Gracia is replaced by another European hopeful.
There continues to be struggles across North London. Arsenal lose pace with the top four, causing Arsenal Fan TV to hit the headlines and ‘Wenger In’ to trend worldwide.
Meanwhile, Tottenham Hotspur still find themselves waiting for their new stadium to be completed throughout January… and February… and March… and April…
Chelsea announce a sponsorship deal with Marlboro and manager Maurizio Sarri requests for all of his post-match interviews and pre-match press conferences to take place outside…so he can have a fag. He doubles his intake in the summer when Eden Hazard leaves for Real Madrid… but only on a loan deal as the club announce they have 100 firstteam players on their books.
After Ole Gunnar Solskjaer set the trend, managerial loan deals also become popular in the Premier League. With seven teams scrapping to avoid relegation towards the end of the season, Big Sam Allardyce receives an influx of offers.
He agrees to join Burnley and keeps them up on the final day of the season. Huddersfield finish 20th after failing to score a goal for three months.
As for Solskjaer, he is replaced by Mauricio Pochettino in the summer. It is revealed that a deal had already been agreed before Jose Mourinho was fired.
The Portuguese, often seen walking his dog with Roy Keane, is brought in to assist Brexit negotiations alongside Theresa May. However, plans to leave are delayed again as the Prime Minister opts to join a secret dance troupe for six months – rumours circulate that a certain P.Pogba was the instigator of the idea behind Mourinho’s back.
The year ends with Brexit being decided on a special episode of ‘Deal or No Deal’, with host Noel Edmonds support-
ed by new best friend from the jungle, Harry Redknapp. Niko Kranjcar is offered as part of the deal to the European Union.
Back to football and Mike Ashley agrees to sell Newcastle, sparking jubilant scenes of celebration in the city… before opting out of the deal.
The year begins desperately for the Geordies again and Alan Shearer becomes recognised as the most miserable Match of the Day pundit in history.
Liverpool win the league and Dejan Lovren is given an honorary doctorate for services to defending. He is also named Defender of the Year after a ballot mix-up with the name V. Van Dijk. Harry Kane claims that he should have won every award on offer.
The Reds also reach the Champions League final only for Mo Salah to pull out injured the night before the match. Witnesses claim to have seen Sergio Ramos lurking around the hotel.
Lovren scores an own goal as Liverpool lose but declares himself the ‘best defender ever’.
England reach the UEFA Nations League final… but lose on penalties. Gareth Southgate is announced as a national hero and Atomic Kitten reform to release ‘Southgate you’re the one’ – a number one hit for five months. Harry Kane claims that England won the competition by default.
The new season begins with the introduction of VAR… until Southampton have a goal controversially disallowed and Charlie Austin goes into meltdown.
It is agreed that VAR will only be used when teams who begin with a letter between A and H play at home. Burnley still don’t have a penalty awarded in their favour.
Crystal Palace end 2019 without a recognised centre-forward scoring a single goal. Meanwhile, Wilf Zaha insures his own legs for £500m apiece.
Fulham find themselves top of the table with a certain Claudio Ranieri taking out shares in a well-known pizza establishment. Brighton’s Glenn Murray finishes the year as the top goalscorer in Europe.
UEFA announce the introduction of the Nations League 2. Nobody understands how it works. Piers Morgan claims he does. Mourinho tells everyone to blame him for the opening draw being delayed. Pogba posts a brief tweet that reads #BlameJose.
Watford sack another manager. Spurs are still without a stadium… and a trophy.