FOOTBALL ROMANCE
KEVIN HALLS GIVES SOME ADVICE ON HOW TO BUTTER UP YOUR PARTNER TO AVOID MISSING THE BIG MATCH…
Why it takes precedence...
VALENTINE’S Day is, thankfully, over for another year, but what can you do in future if it clashes with your favourite team’s big away match? Remember, football was your big love long before she came along, and you made a lifelong pledge to always put your beloved football club before everything, even your missus.
So you’ve decided the big away game is the winner, it’s not your fault that it fell on bloody Valentine’s Day. Your fellow football mates are all single anyway, so they’ll have no sympathy in your plight.
What you need is a good plan. You’ve got a week or so to work out how to tell her that her cosy night in or candlelight meal will have to be on another night, though she’s telling all her friends on Facebook and Twitter that she can’t wait for the ‘big day’ and being pampered by her ‘romantic’ fella.
Plan, part one: She loves her soaps especially Coronation Street, and it clashes with a live match on the other channel.
Usually, you’d want to watch the game, but to appease her and get in her good books, you let her watch her programme, which surprises her, but you say, “It’s only football, you relax while I make you a nice cup of coffee, you deserve it.”
When she’s recovered from her fainting spell, it’s time for your next step.
Plan, part two: You never walk the dog, you always say you’re too tired after a hard day’s graft, leaving it to her to walk Rex over the local park.
But, remember, the big away game is getting closer, so just before she gets off the sofa to fetch the mutt’s lead, you stop her and say, “No, you sit there, you’ve had a hard day looking after the kids, I’ll walk the dog.”
She will look at you like you’re having some kind of mental breakdown, and think you’re maybe having an affair, but ignore that as you’re going well, you’re almost there. Now for the final softener. Plan, part three: You get one of your football mates to ring you while she’s sitting next to you, and this is when you put on an acting performance that Al Pacino would be proud of.
“What, the match is on the same day as Valentine’s Day? And the tickets for the ground and the train there have all been sorted? Bloody hell, I forgot all about it!” She’ll say ‘what’s that all about?’ Remember, you’ve softened her up nicely, she’ll be putty in your hands, so you go for your final shot. You explain that this ‘very important’ match, a game that will make or break the season, and one that is ‘not to be missed’, is on Valentine’s Day and you never knew it clashed with the most romantic day of the year. And to really get to her and, if you feel you can do it, say gently “Can we have our Valentine’s Day next week instead?” I’d stick a tenner on her saying, “Okay, I can see how upset you are at letting me down, you go to the match.” You make her another cup of coffee, take the dog for another walk and run her a nice bath. Then you go somewhere where she can’t see you and do a jig, punch the air and hum to yourself ‘here we go, here we go, here we go’. Then again, to stop all this stress, just come clean and tell her football comes first, and get used to sleeping in the spare bedroom for a while. She won’t stay angry forever! And just think of the money you will save from not buying flowers and chocolates!