‘My release hit me hard. I was waking up in tears and I had to reach out for some help...’
THE memories are still vivid in Sam Kelsall’s mind. He’s just woken up and is in tears... again.
It’s the winter of 2014 and Kelsall is trying to come to terms with the fact his professional dream has been shattered.
His time with Nottinghamshire had come to an end at the conclusion of the summer after he was informed his services were no longer required.
From up-and-coming batting talent to being shown the door, it was tough to take for Kelsall.
He was left at a low ebb in his life, but here he was, at the age of 21... and family were not close at hand.
Kelsall’s tears flowed in his digs in New Zealand after jetting off to the other side of the world to try to come to terms with his Trent Bridge departure.
“Being released hit me hard. That winter I went away to New Zealand to play. I sat down with my family and thought it would be good to take on a new challenge,” said Kelsall.
“As time went on it gave me the opportunity to reflect on what had happened. Cricket was my life – it still is a big part of it now - but at the time it was all that mattered.
“It’s all I ever wanted to do. It hit home in New Zealand. I was solely out there to play cricket.
“I didn’t do anything else, it was weird. The cricket was fantastic. I played about seven games and got 700 runs.
“I was always looking forward to the weekend. In the week, I didn’t have a focus, not even to get out of bed sometimes.
“I was waking up and crying for no reason. I couldn’t put my finger on why it was happening.
“I spoke out and got some help from the PCA (Professional Cricketers’ Association) and they were fantastic.
“They put me in touch with a specialist in London and we exchanged messages about how I was feeling.
“He set me challenges to try to overcome those emotions.”
Kelsall was relieved he had reached out, but there were few signs of progress.
Long-term partner Aimee joined him over the Christmas period, which brought some respite, but her departure left Kelsall back to square one.
“A month later things were not improving. Aimee came over and it was fantastic and we did some travelling,” he recalled.
“The crying was still happening. Her reaction was ‘what’s wrong with you?.’ And I didn’t know. I couldn’t give her an answer.
“It hit me hard when she left in the new year and I decided to call the trip off and come home.
“I’d kept everything to myself and people didn’t know how I was feeling and what was happening.”
It’s now five-and-a-half years since Kelsall walked out of Trent Bridge for the last time as a professional player.
His chances of a return to the firstclass circuit have long since sailed, but at the age of 27 he has new challenges to focus on.
Not least baby Arthur, who Kelsall and Aimee welcomed in to the world last summer - and also the little matter of being appointed as Staffordshire captain following Kadeer Ali’s decision to step down at the end of the 2019 season.
“I am good now. It took me a while to come to terms with things. And there’s still days when I don’t feel 100 per cent, but everyone has days like that,” explained Kelsall.
“I have a focus in life and it helps having a little lad now.
“I’d be lying if I said there’s not days when I didn’t think ‘if only.’ The love for it is still there.
“If I had my time again, you never know. I gave my all for Notts and have no regrets. I loved my time there and loved being a professional cricketer.”
And there was no prouder moment than August 2, 2011 when Kelsall made his first-class debut for Nottinghamshire in a County Championship game at Durham.
He had to wait until the second day for his chance to shine, but even at that stage could have wondered whether the cricketing gods were against him.
Facing a bowling attack of Graham Onions, Callum Thorp and Mitch Claydon on a green top in the north east wouldn’t be anyone’s first pick.
Seasoned pros had been undone in such circumstances, let alone a rookie opening batsman from Stokeon-trent.
And to make life even tougher, Kelsall’s opening partner, Karl Turner, was also striding out for his first-class debut.
“The great memory is my first class debut at Durham. It was a cold morning and you’ve got Onions at one end and myself and Karl Turner were pretty inexperienced,” said Kelsall.
“It was a case of being thrown in at the deep end. I got off the mark by nicking one.
“Phil Mustard (Durham wicketkeeper) didn’t dive and Paul Collingwood was at slip and flung himself to his left and shelled it to fine leg to get me my first runs.
“Onions moved it both ways and is certainly one of the best bowlers I‘ve ever faced, even though it was for a short period of time.
“It’s not just the pace you have to adjust to – you can do that. It’s the fact bowlers can move it both ways.
“That game at Durham did open my eyes to what the level was like and what I needed to be. Second XI is a good standard, but there’s no comparison when you’re facing that quality of bowling.”
Kelsall travelled back from the north east with scores of 11 and four under his belt, but he had to wait 12 months before being given another opportunity in the four-day arena.
He made a duck in the first innings against Warwickshire at Trent Bridge, but redeemed himself second time around.
“I was on a pair going out for the second innings. I walked out to bat with Neil Edwards. He said: ‘You’re just thinking about getting off the mark, aren’t you? What happens when you score one? We’ve got to bat for the rest of the day.’” said Kelsall.
“I got 35 and facing the likes of Rikki Clarke, Keith Barker and Chris Woakes was a challenge.”
Kelsall was afforded a handful of one-day matches during his time as a pro, but his final first-class appearance came in April 2014 against Oxford University.
He scored a first-innings halfcentury, but that was the last time he donned a first-team shirt in the long game.
And at the end of the campaign came the news that Nottinghamshire no longer saw him as part of their plans - even though he had churned out the runs for the seconds that year, including three tons.
“I had opportunities to play a handful of first-class games and I didn’t set the world alight,” conceded Kelsall.
“In those games, if I had got a notable score, it would have stood me in good stead.