Byrne stand-up and delivers

THE 19-day celebration of mirth and merriment that is Leicester Comedy Festival began last night, with an array of shows across the city.

One of the biggest was award-winning comedian Ed Byrne, who demonstrated to the De Montfort Hall audience why he’s one of the nation’s greatest stand-up talents.

Bounding on to the stage in his usual cheery manner, he was clearly glad to be in the city.

“Leicester on a Wednesday night, where would you rather be?

“Somewhere else judging by the two empty seats on the front row,” he quipped, adding that he’s “too big for Curve, can’t quite fill De Montfort.”

In this latest show, If I’m Honest, the self-deprecating Irishman takes a long hard look at himself and tries to decide if he has any traits that are worth passing on to his two boys, Magnus, seven, and Cosmo, nine.

He admits that so far, he has come up pretty short.

One thing he does want to pass on is his sense of humour and his storytelling ability, which he reckons his boys already appear to have.

Well, when they’re thinking up stories that end “then he died and went to heaven, and God punched him,” it’s hard not to agree.

While they’re not exactly traits to pass on to his kids, Ed shares with us the skills he’s happy to have learned as a 47-year-old man.

These range from learning how to recognise the signs of cramp and stopping it from happening to being able to fast forward through adverts at high speed and pressing play at exactly the right time when the programme starts again.

One thing he doesn’t want his kids to inherit is his physical stature.

“I’m not a great physical specimen,” he admits, adding that he does make the effort to go running (“which is as tedious to do as it is to talk about”.)

However, working out at the gym really isn’t for him.

“Building muscles in your 40s is like hanging pictures in a burning house. Just enjoy the warmth.”

His sons’ fascination with being spies and creating passwords leads neatly into Ed’s hatred of passwords and security questions.

He tells us he finds passwords so annoying, he now uses a collection of swear words.

“My passwords sound like they’ve been written by a navvy who’s just stepped on Lego in his bare feet.”

He talks about Strictly Come Dancing – another thing he can’t abide – and the real reason he turned down the chance to appear.

There’s talk about his middle class life, angry people on the internet and his elderly parents.

He also tells us about his intrusive thoughts, which began when he was a nine-year-old altar boy thinking about rugby-tackling the priest, and still plague him when he’s on stage today. It’s best we don’t even think about what he’d do to Matt Baker if he were invited on to The One Show.

If I’m Honest is a hilariously entertaining show, with plenty of goodnatured banter with the audience.

I spent an-hour-and-a-half with tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks and I reckon that’s a Wednesday evening well spent.