Oh Canada... it looks like the twins won’t be pay­ing you a visit just yet

DOU­BLE TROU­BLE FOR A FIRST-TIME DAD OF TWINS

Llanelli Star - - Family Matters - RICHARD IRVINE

MY BABY book’s de­vel­op­ment chart says Thomas and Emma should re­act ac­cord­ingly to the com­mand ‘no’. Ex­pe­ri­ence tells me they don’t care what I say.

If I shout ‘no’, the best I can hope for is a mo­men­tary pause be­fore they con­tinue play­ing with the plug socket, or what­ever danger­ous ob­ject they’ve found now.

I don’t think they’re fall­ing be­hind their peers, but I still did what I al­ways do when anx­ious and searched the in­ter­net, which only ever makes ev­ery­thing worse.

You’d think I’d learn but in­stead I turned a mi­nor con­cern into an ob­ses­sion.

A link to Cana­dian Cit­i­zen­ship and Im­mi­gra­tion Cen­tre baby de­vel­op­ment doc­u­ments came up and I, like a fool, clicked on it.

Its of­fi­cial forms stated that a one-year-old should be walk­ing un­aided upon phys­i­cal ex­am­i­na­tion.

Un­for­tu­nately, the twins are yet to man­age this.

Per­son­ally, I think they’re do­ing al­right and any­way, tech­ni­cally, they have still got a cou­ple of weeks left be­fore Crawl or noth­ing: Un­aided walk­ing is not on the twins’ agenda right now they hit one – as they were pre­ma­ture – but it ap­pears Canada has an is­sue with crawl­ing one-year-olds.

It’s a real shame as I’d al­ways wanted to see the bears over there. An­other test on these of­fi­cial baby de­vel­op­ment doc­u­ments sug­gests they should be able to re­lease a cube into a cup af­ter a demon­stra­tion.

I felt this more cere­bral ac­tiv­ity is prob­a­bly some­thing

they’d han­dle a lit­tle bet­ter, rather than the sim­ple task of walk­ing.

So I care­fully demon­strated the del­i­cate art of plac­ing a cube in a cup then let them take the floor.

Thomas put the cube in his mouth, choked and was sick. Emma threw her cube at Thomas.

Canada was off the list. They wouldn’t even let these two off the plane. Later in the day, I in­formed Vic­to­ria Canada was a no-go zone be­cause of the twins.

‘Are we chal­leng­ing them enough?’ she replied. Af­ter a mo­ment’s thought, I re­alised it’d be dif­fi­cult to chal­lenge them more, when you’re one, ev­ery­thing is a chal­lenge.

The pair of them strug­gle to drink out of a bot­tle. They’ve got more chal­lenges than they need.

Yes, Canada says they should be able to walk but let’s have a look at my adult de­vel­op­ment chart.

You’d think I, as a fully grown adult, should be able to an­swer more than one ques­tion on Univer­sity Chal­lenge but I can’t. Some days I strug­gle with Point­less.

And hula hoop­ing. The­o­ret­i­cally, this is a skill I should have mas­tered long ago, but no.

There­fore, we’re go­ing to fo­cus on mak­ing sure they’re happy, in the hope they’ll be fully toi­let trained by the time they’re two, de­fy­ing all the charts and en­sur­ing I don’t ever have to change a nappy again.

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