Calpol and a Teletubbies-loaded iPad should be part of parents’ pre-flight checks
DOUBLE TROUBLE FOR A FIRST-TIME DAD OF TWINS
THE twins have arrived back from their first successful foreign holiday.
It qualifies as a success because our week in the sun didn’t involve a hospital emergency department and daddy only cried once.
To help others share in my triumph, we’re examining the foundations of a foreign holiday; a successful flight.
1. Administer a dose of Calpol to your offspring as soon as you arrive at the airport. This may sound like drugging children, but it is based on sound medical advice. Their eustachian tubes are smaller and more likely to get blocked, resulting in ear pain at higher altitudes. Therefore, to avoid a screaming child at 30,000 feet, simply give them pain relief before you take off.
2. Go on a diet before you’re forced to share a seat with a two-year-old. They do fly free, but Emma spent her first flight wedged between my stomach and the seat in front.
Although Victoria’s dad said, ‘she looked happiest with me because she was using my big tummy as a nice soft pillow’, in what I interpreted to be helpful rather than insulting.
3. Dress light; It’s very hot work as there’s a lot of dismantling buggies, lifting cases, towing bags and chasing toddlers.
I’d recommend a pair of small shorts and a vest top for both men and women (along with suitable underwear; nobody wants to be arrested on day one of the holiday).
Let the fellow passengers judge you, they’ll understand when they watch you carrying a two-year-old up the plane steps with a rucksack on your back, towing a travel bag.
4. You can’t control this but
hope you’re seated with an older crowd. Pensioners have seen it all before and appreciate the challenges of life.
They’re more understanding if a small child reaches over, tears a book out of their hands and throws it on the floor.
Worst case scenario is a drunk stag party, who are terrible at childcare.
5. Do not place toddlers on the conveyor belt to go through the security scanner in a misguided attempt at being funny.
6. Travel with an electronic device pre-loaded with a favourite TV programme. We had emergency Teletubbies ready to go if it all kicked off.
7. Don’t buy books or magazines; you won’t be able to read them. 8. Finally, remember it’s your holiday as well as theirs, so travel with relatives. Crucially, leave your wallet in a piece of inaccessible hand luggage so they feel dutybound to pay for overpriced inflight drinks and food, while you make a show of struggling with a child.
Never mind passports... have you downloaded enough Tinky Winky?