Listening to guilt can be the start of making things right
WE’RE all fallible. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we hurt other people. Sometimes the harm we cause is intentional and other times it’s not.
Repairing the damage caused by our transgressions is necessary to maintain relationships and make peace with ourselves. But how do we know when to make amends?
To start, we need to pay attention to our thoughts and feelings and use them to guide our actions.
Guilt is a natural human emotion. It tells us when we’ve done something wrong, when we’ve hurt another person or acted in a way that isn’t consistent with our values.
To identify whether you’re experiencing guilt, consider your thoughts. Guilt is often accompanied by thoughts that your actions are to blame for something, that you have behaved badly and ruminations such as “if only I had done something differently” or “if only I hadn’t acted in that way”.
Noticing your bodily sensations can also help you identify guilt. Common signs include feeling flushed, sick or suffocated when you recall your actions.
We often experience anxiety as a secondary emotion to guilt, as we tend to worry about the effects of our wrongdoings. You may also notice jitteriness, palpitations, and increases in your heart and breathing rates.
Once you have identified that you are experiencing guilt, it’s important to work out whether your emotion fits the facts before deciding how to act.
Consider your own interpretations, judgments and assumptions in relation to the events that have prompted your guilt. Looking at all sides of the situation and all points of view. Are you being unnecessarily hard on yourself or manipulated into thinking that you have done something wrong?
Remember, guilt fits the facts when your behaviour violates your own values or moral code.
If your guilt fits the facts, then it’s time to make amends. Seek out the person or people you have wronged and apologise sincerely. Ask them what you can do to put things right and be willing to follow this through.
If your efforts to make amends will only likely make the situation worse, then don’t. Sometimes we have to make amends through learning from our mistakes, committing to causing no further harm and finding a way to forgive ourselves.
Dr Ellie Harper is a counselling psychologist