Top excuses to use on Christmas Day when you get the urge to escape for a quiet ride
Be brave, take the bike out for a wonderfully quiet ride
‘Enjoy pure escapism before the turkey onslaught’ ‘Enjoy the quietest day of the year on the UK’s roads’
Christmas Day delivers a roller coaster of emotions that, let’s be honest, can get a little infuriating by about 10am. If you have young children, your lie-in will be ruined by the eagerness of the little monsters to start ripping open presents before it is even light and then proceeding to play with them at full volume. On your bed. It’s no surprise that Santa clears off back to the North Pole well before the little sods have awoken. And it doesn’t stop there. Fired-up by enough sugary treats to power the north of England (why does Christmas day make it ok to have chocolate for breakfast?), the kids will need to be physically peeled off the ceiling by 9.30am while any adults in the house are already going into meltdown about getting the all-important Xmas meal in the oven on time. Not that it will all fit, which is another disaster on a similar scale to Pompeii just brewing and ready to explode. Add to this the in-laws arriving alongside members of the extended family, that you don’t even like, for forced jollity around a too-small dining table and it’s one of the most stressful days of the year. So why not escape the carnage for a few hours on your bike because the roads will be clear and it’s often sunny and dry as a ‘white Christmas’ only happens in films. This is a subject best approached with caution because, considering the apocalypse that is fermenting within your walls, escaping for only a few hours can be viewed as unfavourably as abandoning a sinking ship. So here is a tip: ensure any batteries that are required for a new toy are ‘forgotten’, necessitating a trip to the garage to pacify the wailing sounds of dismay. Yes it’s deceitful, but God may be in a forgiving mood due to the anniversary of the birth of his only son.
While Christmas Eve and Boxing Day are a nightmare on the UK’s roads as stressed-out parents cram bored kids into overloaded cars for enforced trips to elderly relatives, Christmas Day is like a scene from a post-nuclear disaster film. Deserted roads make for an eerily quiet ride and the only people you see will be running alongside children on their brand new bicycles with a look of fear etched
on their faces and a heart trying to explode through a hideous new jumper. They will glance up at you sailing past on your motorcycle with envy as you are enjoying a small slice of peace and goodwill while they try not to vomit up a mince pie and bitterly regret that decision to start the day with a celebratory eggnog.
You don’t have to have a destination for your ride, and indeed most places will be shut so remember to fill up with fuel beforehand and also to secrete that supply of ‘missing’ batteries in your garage to ensure you return home to a hero’s welcome, but that doesn’t matter.
Going for a ride on Christmas Day is about true escapism, clearing your head ready for the new onslaught of turkey and conversation, and just enjoying one of the quietest days of the year on the UK’s roads.
While only a certain percentage of the population give a toss about the World Cup final (and let’s be honest, it’s unlikely England will be in one in our lifetimes) and we don’t wish serious ill-health on our monarch just for the sake of a nice cruise on quiet tarmac, if you want to ride your bike completely undisturbed by other road users, there is no better day than Christmas Day. And as we all know, God is a fellow biker (apparently he rides a Harley-Davidson) so he would totally understand. Unlike your other half who will almost certainly have discovered your battery subterfuge on your return and will be wielding a turkey baster with venom and the threat of actual physical violence. Hopefully you remembered to buy flowers alongside those batteries a few days ago…