“IF YOU WANT TO ENCOURAGE A LOVED ONE TO OPEN UP, DO IT IN A RELAXED ENVIRONMENT”

1. FIND THE RIGHT SPACE

Opening up about mental health is no mean feat, especially when it’s for the very first time. Faceto-face ‘intervention’style conversations can often feel intense and intimidating. If you want to encourage a loved one to open up to you, try and do it in an environment that’s slightly more relaxed. Going for a walk or car journey is good, because it means you don’t have to sit directly in front of each other and maintain eye contact. Try talking while doing something together – go fishing, clean up the garage, watch a film. If he’s inviting you to go for a drink one-on-one, he might want to have a proper chat, so go and look out for the hint and when the opportunity comes, sit on your hands and listen.

2. MAKE SURE YOU’RE THE RIGHT PERSON

It may be counterintuitive, but trust and connection requires boundaries. Sharing is not always caring. When we are under-equipped to be with a man who is seriously struggling, we may resort to comforting and rescuing rather than listening, making them feel even more isolated and inadequate.

3. NOTICE ‘TOXIC’ MASCULINITY

Know when to end the banter and fake bravado. We all like a bit of that from time to time, but it’s also easy to spot when someone’s not in the mood or they want to be serious. If you notice something is different about your friend, or your jokes aren’t going down so well, ask how they are doing – and ask twice!

4. ASK TWICE

And a third, forth or fifth time if you need to. If your intuition is telling you that someone you care about is struggling, don’t give up just because they brush you off with, “I’m fine.” Men often feel they shouldn’t have to ask for help and don’t want to burden someone else with their problems, but by continuing to ask, you are showing that you care and are giving them permission to talk.

5. SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE

Lots of men brush off questions about their mental health because it’s a difficult and uncomfortable subject that they’re probably not used to talking about. In fact, research has shown that when asked, 78 per cent of people say that they are fine, even if they’re struggling with their mental health. So instead of probing someone with questions, try sharing an experience of your own that they might be able to relate to. Firstly, this shows that they’re not alone, and secondly, it creates a twoway dialogue where you are both able to express your vulnerabilities in a safe, supportive way.

6. ACCEPT YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS

When talking to a male loved one about their challenges, there will almost certainly be things you don’t understand or know how to address properly – and that’s OK. You don’t need to have all the answers, and sometimes one of the best things you can do for someone you care about is to encourage them to seek professional help.

7. DON’T PANIC

If your mate, husband or family member is struggling with suicidal thoughts, don’t panic and don't comfort straight away – hear him out… why they want to do it, how they want to do it, when they want to do it. Those who talk about doing it are less likely to go through with it. Suicide is taboo, it thrives on secrecy, silence and judgement. Listen first, then seek professional help through a GP, Samaritans or another charity that helps with men’s issues, like CALM.

8. LET THEM TALK

There’s a perception that men don’t talk about their problems or feelings, but the reality is that men will talk to those who listen to them. Let them vent about the crisis of meaning, wounded identity or about feeling like a coward without trying to make it better for them. Disappointments need space to breathe. Don’t become another person they need to defend themselves against because you can’t be with their struggle or vulnerability.