Saving Face

a tube. It didn’t have many short-term effects, other than improving circulation for a healthy flush. But it was relaxing, and I had a feeling that relaxation was key to getting my face back in order.

As for the vitamins, it was hard to notice any immediate results – other than making my urine go a fluorescent, almost glow-in-the-dark orange colour. Talk about anti-ageing: nothing makes you feel quite as young as shooting an honest-toGod laser beam out of your pee hole.

The next day, my wife peered at me like Larry David inspecting a stranger for lies. “Something’s different,” she said. “You look… more like you.” And I suppose I did. The difference wasn’t very noticeable. I just looked slightly brighter. The vitamin shots seemed to have worked: there was a glow to my face that had been missing before, but without the startled rictus look of a recent facelift victim. If you’re in need of a subtle pick-me-up after a heavy December, it may be worth a shot. cry. I also made the mistake of looking up at the pen during the procedure, because that’s when I noticed it was covered in red gore. “What is that?” I asked my clinician, Maryam, in alarm. “Just dead skin cells,” she reassured me, though it looked exactly like blood.

Once it was over, I looked dreadful. My face was so puffy, red and sore that I had to wear medical-grade foundation on the way home to cover the mess. I was also given cream and face wash to apply for the next 48 hours.

The good news is that it stopped hurting the next morning. The bad news is that this is basically because my face