“My face began to swell up. ‘You look like a waxwork,’ my wife told me” Before

fell off. First it went a bit hard. Then it started to peel away in chunks. This is not a treatment for anyone who plans to go outside for a week, because you will not be fit for society. I was forced out mid-recovery because my son fell ill and I had to take him to see the GP. The doctor saw my face and assumed the appointment was for me.

But something amazing happened. Seven days after the treatment, I suddenly looked incredible. My skin was tighter and brighter, and I was radiant with the kind of glow that no Soulcycle class or wheatgrass smoothie could ever deliver. I was fully ready to disparage microneedling, but it turned out that I just needed some patience. Perhaps every treatment was going to be a miracle cure, I thought. And then I had Botox. Coolsculpting, which kills fat cells by chilling them to around 10°C. My belly is a little bigger than I’d like, so this seemed like an ideal – if lazy – solution. I made an appointment with the PHI Clinic in London to see what it could do.

I quickly ran into a problem. My fat was too visceral to be frozen, the consultant told me – it was just too deep to reach. The only way I’d be rid of it was by eating well and exercising. This kind of admonishment is, of course, a sign of a trustworthy clinic, but I was a little disappointed. So, instead, I asked if anything could be done about my double chin. Thankfully, the clinic said it could.

To have my chin Coolsculpted, three things needed to happen. First, I had to shave my beard. Second, I had to enter a dark room, insert my head into a sort of foam contraption and remain perfectly still as what can only be described as a vacuum cleaner was strapped to my face. Third, I had to watch an episode of Maniac on Netflix for 45 minutes while the vacuum cleaner froze the underside of my chin.

And I do mean “froze”. Once the 45 minutes were up, my wattle felt hard to the touch like a chicken thigh that hadn’t quite defrosted. It also hurt, but at this point I was so used to deliberately inflicting pain on myself that I was a jab or two away from becoming a full-blown BDSM enthusiast. The pain subsided eventually, but that was only because my chin went numb for a few days. Once your fat cells have been killed off (your New Year health regimen, by comparison, merely shrinks them), the body expels them over a number of weeks. It might take three months to see the final results, I was told, but I can already see a slight difference.