SHOOT THE MESSENGER
A man’s place can be in the kitchen or the Co-op aisle – but beware the school WhatsApp group, warns Stuart Heritage
There are many ways to be a better, more involved dad, writes Stuart Heritage. The school WhatsApp chat isn’t one...
It is 9:30am. Until now, I’ve spent the morning pleading with a five-year-old who suddenly hates the concept of breakfast and wrestling with a three-year-old who suddenly hates the concept of socks.
I’ve broken up two fights, dragged one boy to nursery in tears and argued with another who wanted me to buy him a Mars bar on the way to school. Finally – finally! – I sit down at my desk to collect my thoughts and begin work. Then my phone buzzes.
“Hello, ladies!” it trills, before launching into a 30-way discussion about a dress that somebody has just put on Facebook Marketplace. That’s right, I am the only dad on the school WhatsApp group. Welcome to the agony of being me.
In theory, the group is a place where parents can come together to discuss pertinent issues regarding the education of our children. Except that isn’t quite what it is. In reality, it is hell on Earth. At its best, it is 15 mums panicking on the last day of the summer holiday because the PE kits are out of stock. At its worst – most recently, during lockdown – it is 50 mums sending messages at threesecond intervals, panicking about the functionality of Google Classroom.
I don’t like receiving texts at the best of times. Whenever my phone goes off,
I’ll invariably mutter a swear word to myself because it represents yet another drain on my time. Work texts annoy me. Marketing texts annoy me. Texts from my wife saying things like “I love you” annoy me. So, I’m not exaggerating when I write that the school WhatsApp group makes me feel like I’m being murdered by hammers.
You’ll notice that I wrote “mums” quite a lot earlier. This is because, overwhelmingly, it falls upon mothers to take care of the invisible tasks required to keep a household on the rails. They are likely the ones booking the dentist’s appointments, doing the food shopping and going to parents’ evenings. Because I am a shining example of modern manhood, I take care of most of that stuff in our house. But, as the sole male adrift in a sea of women on the WhatsApp group, I can see that I’m in the minority.
Part of the problem seems to be that the group is heavily gendered. The bulk of mothers address the group as “Mums” or “Ladies”, which leaves me feeling so excluded that I’ll often sulkily mute the whole thing for weeks at a time.
The only way to fight back against the preconception that the group is a female space is to participate more. I should post more messages and enter into more discussions. And I should encourage all of the men reading this now to join their school WhatsApp group, because representation matters. It’s only by engaging in the groups that we can normalise the idea of dads sharing in the upbringing of their children. That would be the responsible thing to do.
But listen, this is Men’s Health and we’re all friends here, so I’m going to offer some unvarnished advice: don’t do it. Resist the school WhatsApp like your life depends on it. It sucks. It’s awful. Your life will get significantly worse the moment you sign up to it. Try to make up for it another way. Do the cooking. Mop the floors. Start remembering family birthdays. Just, whatever you do, never join the school WhatsApp. It is the worst invention in the history of humanity. It will drain the blood from your body and eat your bones. And it won’t stop until you’re dead. Please. Don’t be like me. It’s awful.
“I feel so excluded that I’ll often sulkily mute the whole thing for weeks at a time”