I Had to Lie for a Living

For two years starting in 2001, special agent Jay ‘Jaybird’ Dobyns infiltrated the Hells Angels in Arizona.

His work resulted in numerous convictions for members of the gang – but at a personal cost.

I lied to make a living, and I became very good at it. My lie was that I was Jaybird Davis, a gun-running, debt-collecting hit man. My truth was that I was Jay Dobyns, a federal agent. I was lying to some of the most dangerous people on the planet.

With every lie I told them that they believed, I gained a little more trust and loyalty. In some cases, I gained love. I had no doubt that these violent, intimidating people would have stood in between me and a bullet. But if the people I was deceiving learned that they were being lied to, they were going to put a baseball bat at the back of my head, or a razor on my throat. My lies were life-and-death lies.

The downside was that I put a huge amount of battle damage on my family. I became addicted to lying. I lied to everyone about everything. I became so consumed with being a liar that it turned into who I was, instead of what I did. Every time I told a lie and it was successful, believed and received, it empowered me to lie more. I was not a good father. I was not a good husband. I don’t take any pride in that. It’s humiliating and embarrassing for me to speak about. My justification was that I was doing what I needed to do in order to stay alive in the environment I was in.

Seven years ago, I retired. It took me a while to transition out of that lifestyle. I didn’t stop lying cold turkey. But I began to write my stories down. I found it was easier to be honest, since the page doesn’t judge me. When I knew that these stories would become a book, a book with my real name attached, I realised that it couldn’t be counterfeit, or I’d get called out. And so the process of finding Jay and letting go of Bird really began. I have made a million mistakes, but I have been given a million and one second chances.