THE BUNKER MENTALITY

IRON MAIDEN FANS WILL HAVE TO WAIT A BIT LONGER TO GO “I TOLD YOU SO,” BUT THIS YEAR THE DOOMSDAY CLOCK THAT MEASURES OUR PROXIMITY TO NUCLEAR CONFLAGRATION WAS MOVED FROM THREE TO TWO AND A HALF MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT, THE CLOSEST SINCE 1953. IF YOU WANT TH

DIG YOURSELF A HOLE

The four-minute warning is a quaint notion these days, and assuming russia launches a missile from a nuclear sub, you’ll have around two minutes to prepare. At 100 megatons, the biggest bomb ever tested, anyone within 1.88 miles will be instantly incinerated, any building within 7.77 miles will be demolished by the blast, and thermal radiation is likely to cause third-degree burns to anyone within 48 miles. If you happen to be far enough away and don’t have a bunker to hand, dig really fast and lie down so as little skin as possible is exposed to the 600mph winds and intense heat and cover yourself with as much soil as possible. Also, don’t wear any nylon unless you want it permanently fused to your skin.

KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN

While the British stiff upper lip may have famously helped get us through World War II, it’ll be of bugger-all use during World War III. Shouting ‘Fuuuuck!’ is actually a handy technique, because keeping your mouth open will mean the huge pressure from the blast wave is less likely to blow your eardrums to smithereens.

DON’T GET COCKY

You may have survived the initial blast and will be wondering what bleak new world awaits you outside whatever shelter you’ve managed to retreat to. obviously the radiation is one reason to stay indoors as long as possible, and even a brief forage will leave you prone to incineration due to ongoing retaliatory strikes. D’oh!