GOLDEN GODS
Parkway Drive bring their pyro to the party of the year!
The Double O. The Prince Of Darkness. The Godfather of metal. For the 16th edition of the Greatest awards Show On earth, we’ve secured the biggest guest star of them all: Ozzy Osbourne. He’s already been on the ITV news this week extolling the virtues of a hot bath and a cup of cocoa, but soon he’ll be on our stage, every inch the metal legend. If 2017 was the year that Metal Hammer came back, 2018 has been a year of celebration, from saluting legends to ushering in new bands. Tonight we’re honouring both with a star-studded line-up and a fittingly incendiary finale – surely the craziest thing the Indigo at the O2 has ever seen. ladies and gentlemen, the madness cometh…
7:00PM: The O2 complex is abuzz with activity, a sea of black shirts at odds with the decidedly more colourful fans who have gathered to see colombian singer Shakira play the main arena. You can keep your summer wardrobe, thanks.
7:15PM: Strange new artist Skynd appears on the red carpet, holding a doll she introduces as ‘little Skynd’. Her musical partner, ‘Father’, remains silent in a gimp mask. OK…
7:33PM: Bury Tomorrow are in high spirits about presenting an award tonight. “I have been pre-warned not to say anything outrageous, so I’m going to leave it to Dan!” Dav laughs. Then adds: “I’m going to give a speech on behalf of the winner. I’m gonna Kanye the fuck out of this award…” Oh dear god.
7:40PM: It’s Gods institution and Dragonforce legend, Herman li! “I’ve played the Gods twice, I’ve got two awards, and I’ve got drunk more times than all of those put together,” he reminisces. “I decided not to eat before coming in, so there you go…”
7:47PM: compere, comedian and all-round good egg andrew O’Neill takes to the stage. Between recounting tales of seeing Sepultura, he even slips in an apology for global warming – what a nice bloke.
7:56PM: andrew asks the crowd to not punch each
other. Big ask.
7:58PM: carpenter Brut play a short but sweet synthwave set, the schlocky horror imagery on the screens broadcasting just how much iconography the movement shares with our world. many shapes are thrown.
8:01PM: It seems no matter what you do – grab a drink, nip to the loo, trip over – so long as you do it to carpenter Brut, you’ll feel epic.
8:10PM: Behind the scenes, Ozzy is chilling in his own private compound, with 30
of his closest friends. The Ozzy.
8:33PM: Hatebreed’s Jamey Jasta is onstage presenting awards. “I wore a dress shirt for this shit!” he complains. Well, you had to take the hoodie off at some point, Jamey…
“I’m going to Kanye the fuck out of this award!”
BURY TOMORROW’S DAV KNOWS HOW TO WORRY US
8:34PM: miho and miyako from Japanese power metallers lovebites have flown over from Tokyo, and are backstage posing excitedly with cradle Of Filth icon Dani Filth. Imagine what that collaboration would sound like.
8:36PM: Metal Hammer editor merlin alderslade comes onstage to present the Best New Band award to… lovebites! They give a heartfelt speech, encouraged by cheers.
8:39PM: Dani Filth strides on to present the Best Underground Band award to... Wolves In The Throne room! They thank Shakira.
8:42PM: Orange Goblin heavy metal hero Ben Ward gives the Best British Band award to… “The metal fuckin’ gods, JUDaS PrIeST!” You took the words right out of our mouths, Ben.
8:44PM: Priest are on tour, so unfortunately can’t collect their award. We find Ben clutching it backstage. “To have this in my hands is a bit of a thrill,” he smiles. “I know andy Sneap and richie [Faulkner] who are playing in the band now, so if I can arrange to meet them, it might give me an excuse to go home with it!”
8:45PM: Best live Band is picked up by… Italy’s finest, lacuna coil!
8:50PM: Best International Band goes to… arch enemy! Unable to collect their award, they send at The
– brother of arch Gates enemy’s drum-lord Daniel – adrian in their erlandsson stead. “There’s roars. “crispy a lot of dry good bread, stuff flatpack coming furniture from Sweden,” and great he fucking metal!” We can’t argue with that!
8:51PM: Best Independent label is presented by the Bury Tomorrow boys. Dav behaves himself, and the winner is… Sumerian! members of Betraying
The martyrs and label founder ash avildsen collect the award.
8:53PM: Jamey is stoked about the next guest presenter – “That’s fuckin’ lee Dorrian, bitches!” he calls, perfectly accentuated by the demure “evening all!” offered by the cathedral legend.
8:54PM: Backstage, amalie Bruun of myrkur is feeling a bit nervous. Wonder why? Someone shows her a relaxation exercise that involves leaning against a wall and breathing heavily.
8:55PM: The award for Best album goes to… myrkur! For the stunning Mareridt. amalie takes to the stage with a bottle of Stella. “Skål!” she cries.
8:56PM: at the back of the venue, Sharon Osbourne is giving orders to journalists and Kelly is waltzing through the media area. eeep!
“crISPy dry bread, flatPacK furnIture, Great fucKInG metal!”
ADRIAN ERLANDSSON SINGS SWEDEN’S PRAISES
8:57PM: We’re up to Best event, and having to pick between Bloodstock, Download and Wacken. christ, that’s hard. and the winner is… Download festival! Organiser andy copping is positively beaming as he collects the award.
8:59PM: The last accolade to be dished out before meshuggah level the building is Defenders Of
The Faith, and this year it goes to… Parkway Drive!
9:00PM: Jamey hands the award to Parkway frontman Winston mccall, who delivers a call-toarms speech. “Scrutiny is now put on everything we do; this culture has been maligned by the mainstream, and we’ve been told to walk softly and carry a big stick. We say fuck walking softly, sing it loud!” he shouts. Offstage, he shares a flurry of high-fives with andy copping.
9:01PM: We catch the mysterious carpenter Brut, en route to see meshuggah. “The songs Roller Mobster and Leather Teeth are a bit influenced by them,” he reveals, singing the latter’s riff.
9:02PM: The room is plunged into darkness and a tantric chanting marks the start of meshuggah. Word has it that the incredible light show that accompanies the set isn’t triggered – they’re manually operated by somebody who knows the music that well. reckon they could be persuaded to do the Hammer office Xmas lights?
9:30PM: We catch 2015’s Spirit Of Hammer winner, rosetta mission scientist matt Taylor, giving someone a piggyback. He’s enthusing about new science/ music event Space rocks. “We held it in this venue a few months ago, and the whole overlap with science and heavy metal was triggered by
Metal Hammer!” he grins.
9:32PM: amalie Bruun, aka myrkur, is onstage with a handheld drum and a cellist for an acoustic set. Standard.
9:33PM: except there’s absolutely nothing standard about her; from the ethereal vocals to the discordant folk, she soundtracks the feeling of going to war, combining high fantasy with visceral reality. Stunning.
9:35PM: Ozzy pops in to Jasta’s dressing room to use the porcelain throne, but he’s turned away as a member of meshuggah is in the shower. Sorry, Ozzy – a sweaty Swede beat you there.
9:45PM: Baroness are on, and everything is fantastic. amalie is now rocking out on the balcony.
10:00PM: It’s very nearly time for tonight’s headline act, so the stage paraphernalia is being brought out. “What the hell is that?” asks one confused punter, pointing to the device erected around the drumkit. This is clearly going to be very, very special indeed.
10:15PM: andrew O’Neill returns, running along a cage that has been placed at the front of the stage for Parkway Drive’s set. “It’s a runway!” he exclaims, before realising exactly what it might be. “I’m going to fucking get off this,” he says. “I’m an old-school metallica fan and I know what can go wrong!” Ouch.
10:17PM: Session musician/ guitar company owner/
YouTube star rob chapman comes out to present the riff lord award, and says what we’re all thinking: “Fuckin’ hell, I’m really drunk.”
10:18PM: Wes Borland is our winner. “I’ve made so many weird projects over the years,” he admits. Which is nice, but when are we going to get a new limp Bizkit album, eh?
10:21PM: The Breakthrough artist, presented by Skindred’s Benji Webbe, is… code Orange! The band can’t be here to collect the award in person, but they have sent in a suitably creepy thank-you video, complete with Jami morgan in a hockey mask. You’re uh, welcome?
10:25PM: It’s time for the Global metal award, and the winners are… lebanese black metal heroes Kaoteon. The band share some inspiring words about the importance of metal on a global scale. “We survived due to music!” they roar, and the whole crowd roar their
approval right back.
“aS an old-School
metallIca fan, I Know what can
Go wronG!”
ANDREW O’NEILL KNOWS YOU DON’T MESS WITH PYRO
10:27PM: Benji is still causing mayhem, and insists on photobombing Wes Borland’s shoot.
10:29PM: and the winners of the Inspiration award are… meshuggah! They get onstage and begin serenading us… with a Chicago ballad. Have they forgotten they’ve already played?
10:32PM: radio One’s Daniel P carter is called upon to present tonight’s Icon award to a secret recipient: maynard James Keenan.
10:33PM: The Tool/a Perfect circle man approaches the mic. “I will go on record as saying you’ll hear some new music next year,” he declares. New Tool album?
10:36PM: People start chanting for Ozzy, but we’re not quite there yet. First up is the Spirit Of Hammer winner, Jessica Pimentel – star of Orange Is The New Black, singer of metal band alekhine’s Gun, and all-round awesome person. “This is for the kids who don’t fit in,” she declares.
Yes, Jessica!
10:43PM: The Ozzy chants are back. Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy!
10:44PM: Zakk Wylde strides out to present the award, recounting some ‘memories’ he’s shared with the boss. We’re not sure that his memory is quite right (there’s no way Ozzy played for man United
– he’s surely more of a Blues man), but you don’t argue with Zakk Wylde. Particularly when he’s hefting a blunt object.
10:45PM: Zakk treats us to his Ozzy impression, which sounds suspiciously like Tyrion lannister. This is quite possibly the nicest thing anybody has ever said about a Brummie accent.
10:51PM: Ozzy arrives to a thunderous cheer. His speech is short, sweet and straight to the point.
10:55PM:
(supposed) pyrotechnics. Here are Parkway, Didn’t all we standing establish on that’s the dangerous, guys?
11:00PM:
on fire. Thankfully, Parkway we are mean that figuratively.
11:10PM: The stage is actually on fire now and drummer Ben Gordon is rotating in a flaming kit; nothing to see here, folks.
11:19PM: Winston can’t contain himself and leaps down into the pit for a triumphant finish, held aloft by hundreds of people.
12:00AM: With Parkway’s incendiary set still burning in our eyes, metal’s finest head to the aftershow party, where King creature are letting loose something fierce and riffy, filling the room with swaggering rock’n’roll. It’s the perfect soundtrack for getting our beer on.
1:30AM: Dani Filth and colin H. Van eeckhout from amenra are dancing to Beat It. lacuna coil and Wes Borland were last seen on a Tube heading to london’s crobar. and here’s where our memories start to get hazy. See you next year?
”I’m dedicating this to the kids who don’t fit In!”
JESSICA PIMENTAL CHAMPIONS THE OUTSIDERS