How do I overcome my regrets?
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
I’VE been obsessing about the past. I cheated in two relationships as they were ending and at the time I was working in a job that involved lots of events. I was pretty unhappy. I’ve been single for two years now and both my exes are in new relationships while I’m still giving myself a hard time, stuck on the same loops. I was considering going on dating apps and at least get chatting to guys but I think I should probably focus on feeling better first. What’s your advice?
Forgiving ourselves for our perceived mistakes is a radical act. Not only does self-forgiveness lack the energy of self-loathing, it requires us to look at ourselves from a different perspective.
‘Criticising ourselves is such a familiar mode that it can feel drippy to start being kind to ourselves instead,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘But this understanding is deep and long-lasting.’
You appear to have already started the process by recognising the context to your behaviour, in that your relationships were ending and you were presented with temptation.
‘However, your past will feel painful at the moment because you currently have far fewer social opportunities, which might be feeling like some sort of punishment,’ Rudkin says. ‘When we have more space to think, our minds tend to fill up with regret.’
One way to untangle your emotions is to write about them. James McConnachie suggests you make a list of everything you did that you perceive as wrong.
‘Make an apology to anyone you hurt if you really must and if you think it will help them,’ he says.
As you write, be clear about what happened, how the other person acted and felt, and how you behaved and felt.
‘This narrative will help you see that things are not quite as straightforward as your mind makes out and that there were a host of reasons why you behaved the way you did,’ says Rudkin.
This reflection will also help you see there was far more going on than intoxication and infidelity.
‘Why are you indulging in this orgy of self-recrimination?’ asks Rupert Smith. ‘Perhaps start thinking about where your ideas and feelings around sex come from, starting with the attitude your family had towards sex.’
Then do your best to start looking forwards, says McConnachie. He adds: ‘Say to yourself, “life is hard, relationships are complex, I made some mistakes” – and, when you’re ready, throw away the list.’
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This independent record store has been in business since 1979, buying and selling new and used vinyl, CDs and collectibles. Boasts customers as diverse as Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters to Neil Diamond.
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From bespoke printed T-shirts featuring original artwork to custommade clothing and alterations, locals cannot praise ethical clothing store Disorder highly enough.
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Collector’s item: A sign for ethical Disorder Boutique, left, and Swordfish Records, an independent store since 1979
Peter Forson. specialises. in hats.
The Sara Preisler Gallery goes back hundreds of years
Top Banana. is a very cool vintage store.
Liquor. Store sells modern. and heritage brands.