How do I stop losing my identity?
EACH WEEK WE’RE ENCOURAGING YOU TO KEEP THE HIGH STREET ALIVE BY BUYING FROM YOUR LOCAL INDEPENDENT SHOPS ONLINE. THIS WEEK, GIVES RETAILERS IN SCOTLAND’S CAPITAL A HELPING HAND
I’VE been single for a while and although I’m ready for a new partner, the thought creates some anxiety because I tend to lose myself in relationships. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how I only have a small circle of friends, something I feel a little embarrassed about. In my last relationship, I saw my friends less because my ex wasn’t keen on them. When we broke up my friends were frosty but we’re on good terms again now. I also dropped a lot of my routine in that relationship and although it wasn’t unhappy, I can see now that it wasn’t healthy. What’s your advice?
In many relationships, the boundary between ‘I’ and ‘us’ is blurred.
‘All couples become merged and although individual identity is altered, it doesn’t have to be lost,’ says Rupert Smith. ‘Sharing friends, family and homes doesn’t mean you have to be erased as an individual.’
Ideally, in a relationship of equals, your independent lives enrich the mix.
‘But it’s clear you are a peoplepleaser who has learnt, probably from an early age, that keeping others happy is a way of ensuring they love you,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin.
‘This false but powerful illusion means you lose sight of what you want and need, and focus entirely on what the other person desires.’
As a result, people-pleasers tend to attract controlling and dominating partners who are happy to make the most of this tendency. Is it any wonder you’re feeling anxious about a new relationship?
‘Instead of living in the future, ground yourself in the safe, solid present – not the scary castles in the air you’re imagining,’ says James McConnachie.
‘Instead of worrying about what might happen to your friendships if you get a boyfriend, think about how you can invest in your friends now.’
When you catch yourself projecting and predicting, bring yourself back down to earth, perhaps through a mindfulness technique such as paying attention to the full experience of breathing.
‘Living in the present is like using a muscle,’ McConnachie adds. ‘The more you exercise it, the stronger it gets.’
Be proud of yourself for recognising this pattern, says Rudkin.
‘Even though you weren’t aware of it at the time, you are now, and you’re ready to change it for your next relationship,’ she says.
‘Therapy will help identify where this pleasing and
You lose sight of what you want and focus entirely on what the other person desires
compliancy comes from, and show you how to change it.’
Rudkin also suggests you connect with yourself through regular diary writing.
‘Start sentences with “I would like to…” or “my preference is…” and, when making choices, work hard at identifying what you want rather than just saying “I don’t mind,”’ she says.
Having an opinion doesn’t mean others won’t like you. In fact, it tends to create the opposite effect. Confidence usually incites respect from others, partners included.
With four shops situated around the capital, Armstrong & Son is part of Edinburgh’s DNA and one of the UK’s oldest and most loved vintage clothing stores. There’s something for everyone, no matter your era.
Flagship: 81-83 Grassmarket, EH1, armstrongsvintage.co.uk
Since being founded in 2012 by Adele Louise Crombie, then endlessly searching for the perfect pair of jeans, ALC has curated the best denim brands and styles on the market, and now features a great pick of stylish women’s clothing.
61 Thistle St, EH2, alceshop.com
Conjure a picture of the perfect bookshop and it would look something like the family-run Armchair Books, stacked floor-to-ceiling with secondhand, rare and collectible volumes. 72-74 West Port, EH1, armchairbooks.co.uk
Selling accessories for you ‘to wear, live with and love’ is Covet’s USP and it doesn’t disappoint. From bags and scarves to jewellery, homewares and beauty booty, this is a great place to snap up a gift.
20 Thistle St, thoushaltcovet.com
Nicole Mowbray
New for spring is her white chocolate, saffron and nutmeg bar. Yum!
19 Grassmarket, EH1, marysmilkbar.com
PORT(UGAL) IN A STORM
Portuguese restaurant and wine bar Bar Douro has launched a feast box stuffed with regional delicacies to cook and enjoy at home. Think smoked sausage croquetas, salt-cod hash and braised lamb shanks, with pata negra ham and almond cake. It also sells wine should you wish to complete the picture with a bottle of port or vinho verde. Serves two, £60.
Available nationwide, bardouro.co.uk
TAKE IT SLOW…
One of those pandemic pivoters, Birmingham street-food chef Andy Stubbs is delivering his Texas-style BBQ and Mexican dishes nationwide until he can open his establishment. Indulge in a
smoked goat taco kit, a hunk of Point End Longhorn brisket, Basque cheesecake and more.
Available nationwide, andylowandslow.com
NURSERY FOOD
Renowned Petersham Nurseries takes its food to another level and is now sending it across the country. Veggie and meat-eater menus will change every month and dishes such as Haye Farm porchetta, pumpkin, chard and goat’s
cheese pithivier, or steamed date pudding, are delivered with candles for that fine-dining touch. Serves two, £135. Available nationwide, petershamnurseries.com
SOLA, SO GOOD
Michelin-starred chef Victor Garvey specialises in Californian cuisine at his Soho restaurant, Sola. Now you can get a taste of his food at home, with omnivore or vegetarian kits. Expect tasty dishes such as cured chalk stream trout, Jerusalem artichoke en croute, and a chocolate croustillant with rosemary and sea salt. Only 40 boxes are available each week so be quick and order now! Serves two, £84.
Available nationwide, restokit.co.uk