Is ‘something’ better than returning to a solitary life?
THREE years ago, I went on a dating website. A man started messaging me and confessed that he was actually 40, 20 years younger than his profile age and 20 years younger than me. He said he was looking for fun and friendship.
We met up and it quickly became a friends-with-benefits situation. Two years ago I revealed my deeper feelings. He said he never meant to hurt me and that we were just friends, even though we always held hands and messaged daily. We’re still in touch and I know I need to end it but the thought kills me.
When it comes to matters of the heart, ‘something’ takes up a disproportionate amount of time and energy.
‘It’s like filling yourself up with little scraps of food rather than waiting for a proper meal,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘You may feel full but you will continue to feel dissatisfied.’ You have been reminded that our hearts are hard to tame. Although you started this journey with the aim of friendship, you are now in love. ‘Yes, you got in over your head, but only because of a natural and healthy need for love, sex and companionship,’ says Rupert Smith. ‘There’s also something slightly awry with someone who lies about his age to attract older people.’
He is also someone who then delivers mixed messages before moving on. So it’s understandable that you feel bad about yourself.
‘But you have shown yourself that you have the capacity for love,’ Smith continues, ‘so there’s no reason to think you can’t make it happen again with someone honest.’
He’s clearly moved on so advise him that you’re not getting what you need and are going to sever contact.
‘‘If you want to get him out of your head, then get him out of your phone and start throwing yourself into other things,’ says James McConnachie. ‘But try to go through this process without rejecting the love you felt. Praise your heart for its ability to beat faster.’
‘You will no longer be waiting for some kind of sign that things could be different,’ adds Rudkin.
Choosing to be someone who deserves a real relationship will encourage you to eventually open your heart again but accept there will be a period of loneliness, which can be soothed through time with friends.
‘The most positive start of recovery is to forgive him for what he couldn’t do,’ says McConnachie, ‘and praise yourself for what you could.’