TIPS F ROM THE TOP
With Hinge’s director of relationship science THE BEHAVIOURAL SCIENTIST AND DATING COACH SHARES THE SECRET OF FINDING LONGLASTING LOVE – AND FIRST DATE SUCCESS
Can you really apply science to finding love?
We were not born knowing how to date or choose a long-term partner but it’s a skill you can learn and get better at. Each week I get emails from people not just in their twenties and thirties but up to their sixties, because people struggle to find life partners at all stages of life. There’s a field called relationship science that looks at the factors that go into romantic relationships. It truly is a science, with academics working on this at the world’s top universities, doing experiments to see what factors in personalities affect different outcomes.
My background is in behavioural science, the study of how people make decisions, why their judgment can be clouded and ways to help overcome this. I combine this with my experience as a dating coach and matchmaker.
Has lockdown made meeting someone harder?
So many people worry that they have lost a year during lockdown but even before the pandemic, online was the most common way for couples to meet. It’s very efficient and that’s especially true during the pandemic, when people were not meeting at their cousin’s wedding. But not everyone took a year off from dating and at Hinge we saw an increase in people going on virtual dates. There’s a mixture of people who carried on dating, a group of people who weren’t as confident and other people are suffering from FODA – which is fear of dating again.
So FODA is actually a thing?
Yes, and it’s completely normal because a lot of people are feeling anxious that their conversation skills are rusty. It’s fine to feel that way – Covid has had a big impact on people’s mental health – but I’d advise anyone worried about dating again to take it slowly. You don’t need to rush back into things. If you’re on a date, give people a chance, because if you’re feeling unsure about yourself, it’s likely the other person is too. People should go on a second date – because if we go into a first date thinking, ‘Are you good enough for me?’ we’re judging, rather than being in the moment. But if you go on a first date thinking, ‘Unless something really weird happens, I will go on a second date’, you can relax and have fun. There’s a lot of reasons why people should give potential partners more time, and it’s easy to be swayed by social media posts that seem to show a perfect life. I say ignore the spark, that desire to seek out instant chemistry – because that can fade – and go after the slow-burn instead. It worked for me.
So how quickly did you fall in love?
I met my husband at Harvard when we were students, we became Facebook friends and seven years later I saw him on a dating app and I did not pursue him. A year later, I was working at Google and so was he. He helped me learn a new language and we went from not knowing each other to friendship to more than friendship. I really feel that my husband is a slow-burn person, a mathematician and a scientist who may not be the most exciting person on a first date but I am living proof that giving someone a second chance can lead to lasting love.
How did you get into this?
I’ve always been fascinated by the way people make different decisions and how our minds work. I had the opportunity to take a course in psychology at GCSE level, and I went on to study it at Harvard. After college, I ran a behavioural science team at Google. I moved on to Airbnb but all the time I was single and using dating apps, and I wondered how I could combine the science I was doing with the fact I was dating and in my early twenties. I went to see a dating coach, who helped me understand the mistakes I was making. I started holding focus groups at my house to talk about dating, and conducted my own research on break-ups and how a couple should know when it’s time to break up.
A year ago I joined Hinge.
Is there an ideal age to meet someone?
No. My main advice is to go after the life partner, not the prom date. When you’re choosing someone for the prom, you want the best dancer or someone who looks really good but these aren’t necessarily the most reliable partners. So a lot of people in their thirties are still looking for that prom date. They need to make a mental shift to go after a life partner with loyalty, kindness and emotional stability. Someone who brings out the best in you. I really think my husband is a life partner but he was diagnosed with bone cancer in summer 2020 and I’ve had to be the partner holding the backpack in the oncology department.
You had a week to plan your wedding…
We married last June in a park, with just seven days’ notice to organise our socially distanced wedding. A lot of that time was spent in meetings with doctors so our friends planned everything. I wore a white jumpsuit that my sister lent me, friends sent me shoes and a bag. We married on the Sunday because on the Monday my husband had to go to hospital to have his lower leg amputated because of the cancer.
Mistakes, you’ve made a few?
Swiping left on my now husband on a dating app before we properly met. Also, having a bad pattern of thinking that love was all about the chase and chasing people who make you feel bad about yourself.
Logan Ury is author of How To Not Die Alone For more on Hinge see hinge.co