I have been through dark times and hope my tale helps others
MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY Resilience is launched today and I am finally ready to tell my story, the full story, to the whole world. I have been very vocal in speaking out about mental health and I just hope this book can help people like me, those who self-harm or have done, to overcome their difficulties.
It wasn’t that long ago I was suicidal and twice nearly ended up dead, so I want people to know they can come through dark times, as I have. Writing it was helpful for me but I also want to help others. It also helps add context.
At the Olympics in 2014, it was very easy for people to say ‘look at that little girl crying on the ice’ in Sochi when actually it was so much deeper than that. You don’t know what anyone is truly experiencing.
As we prepare for the Winter Olympics in February, I have gone six months without self-harming, which is the longest I’ve gone without doing it in the last few years. What happened when I was twice on the brink of committing suicide scared me.
My ex-boyfriend once found me self-harming and told me to stop. I said no and he took the knife and held it to his wrist.
I wasn’t in control any more and my perception of it began to change when I saw someone else doing it. It drove me to not put people through it and that it’s not all about me.
I did think self-harm was okay at one point and I don’t think you should feel guilty about doing it, but it is a habit that needs breaking. I don’t see it as different to alcoholism, gambling or any other addiction coping mechanism.
It was also very important for me to include the sexual assault on me in the book as so many people go through rape. I didn’t want the book to be all about that, though.
Now my goal is to go to Beijing for the Olympics next year and get a medal for myself but also for the people who have supported me. Although a medal is not the be-all and end-all it was for me.
I’m facing up to something that broke me – although the Games was not the only thing – and it was the tipping point. I’ve even had to be assessed to make sure that it’s safe for me to travel to China.
I felt a bit victim-shamed at first but it was done by people who I have worked with for a long time and it was nice to be open with them as they are just making sure I’m going to be okay out there. The English Institute of Sport was involved and has a mental health panel now and take mental health just as seriously as physical injury.
This will be my fourth Olympics and I’m not naive enough to think that what happened to me at the last two, losing out on medals after crashes and disqualifications, and being carried off the ice in pain three years ago, won’t happen again.
If you had asked me a year ago, I’d have said I don’t know if I am going to go. I wasn’t sure I could do it to myself.
But I don’t think giving up would promote an image I want, even if it might have been easier. In ten years, if I hadn’t gone I would have looked back and said, ‘You idiot’.
The way I’m thinking now is I would never have made it without UK Sport’s support but I don’t want to be funded after this Games.
I don’t mind carrying on skating but I want my life to come first.
I’ve definitely become way more sprint-focused – I don’t like the endurance stuff.
If I want to go and have a baby, I’m not able to at the minute. I don’t want to feel like I am restricted but that doesn’t mean you won’t see me skating around in circles again.
I’ll definitely give long track a go, it’s
It wasn’t long ago I was suicidal and twice nearly ended up dead
It’s time to try and round off my Olympic journey in the way I have always dreamt
easier than short track! And I might play some ice hockey.
Right now, I feel in a good place but I am not long back from long Covid, something I had to endure at our national trials. It was the worst illness I have ever had.
I’m not where I would want to be at this stage but there is some time and I have to be ready for the upcoming Olympic qualifiers.
It’s time to try and round off my Olympic journey in the way I have always dreamt of – with a medal. But win or lose in China, it won’t define me. I know that now.