Suranne can bang me up any day!
LADY cop drama
is less CSI: Miami and more PMT: Oldham. They are model professionals for 27 days a month but woe betide anyone who gets nicked when they are on the blob.
Then they make the West Midlands Serious Crime Squad look like Dixon of Dock Green.
Frankly, when it comes to Bailey (Suranne Jones), I wouldn’t mind. The ex-corrie babe can set about me with a rubber truncheon any time she likes.
It returned to our screens for a second series with the promise of an appearance by “an old ITV favourite”.
“F*** me,” I thought, “they’ve dug up Giant Haystacks!”
Sadly, I was mistaken. It was ex- Emmerdale star Lisa Riley. She played a Parisian ballet dancer whose delicate poise and rare beauty masked a..... no, I’m only kidding. She played a fat, rough northern bird, as always.
“She looks like a wall with a perm,” said the barman, which seemed a bit harsh. On walls.
Riley’s character, Nadia Hicks, is suspected of murdering at least two paedophiles after torturing them with a Phillips screwdriver. That seemed a bit far-fetched to me. Who can ever find a Phillips screwdriver when they need one?
When the cops went to nick her, she tried to strangle Bailey. Her grip was so tight, it was like Suranne’s swan-like neck was the last sausage roll in Greggs.
Hang on. Greggs sausage roll. Suranne Jones. Hold that thought for a while.