Laughs? Dapper has me in tears

Take Phil and Sharon on EastEnders, for example. They live in London, which has a population of just 10 million.

So clearly they had little choice but to employ Shirley to hand out the boiled bunny vol-au-vents and pints of bitter(ness) at their wedding reception.

Oh well, I suppose you might get away with it. As long as the groom does not do anything stupid, like give said bunny-boiler an old-timessake leg-over three days before the big... whoops, too late.

With Phil and Sharon’s pasts, this wedding was always going to be controversial.

It was the sort of do where the vicar asks anyone with any objections to take a ticket and Daniel O’Reilly) is one of the first social media stars to break into mainstream media.

Translation: you’ve never heard of him but millions of kids follow him on Twitter, causing the TV companies to crap themselves.

He styles himself as a diamond geezer, a ladies’ man, a prankster. In fact, he is a stone cold c**t.

The first episode saw him sent to Coventry. Not in the sense of being ignored by everyone (more’s the pity), but he was actually sent to the city of Coventry, where he met a strange but likeable cove called Ricky, who has his own unique style and whimsical view of the world.

Naturally, Dapper’s task was to help Ricky erase this individuality and become an identikit c**t, like his mates.

Ricky has a prank tattoo which reads: “I love cock.”

Never mind, it could be worse. It could say “I love cockney twats like Dapper Laughs”. come to the pulpit when their number is called.

Little wonder that Shirley opted for more direct action. At first it seemed she was going to shoot Phil from an upstairs window of the Vic as the happy couple arrived back at the Square on a horse-drawn cart.

Sadly, she decided not to take a shot. Oh well, there’s a first time for everything,

It was not clear why Shirley didn’t pull the trigger. Possibly because she didn’t want to startle the big mare with the glossy mane. Or “Sharon”, as she prefers to be called.

Stupid

But I really wish she had done, for two reasons.

Firstly, because we would not have had to sit through the rest of the plot.

Secondly, because the conspiracy theorists could have had years of fun arguing that Phil was actually killed by a bullet fired from the grassy knoll.

Instead, her son Deano talked Shirley out of doing something stupid. Ironically, he then did something stupid himself – namely leaving the gun in the kitchen, where Shirley can pick it up again.

Whether she does, and who she points it at, has yet to be revealed.

Oh yes, I’m afraid it ain’t over yet. This wedding reception is going to drag on even longer than a real one.