You can’t get sh*tter than a quick fix filler

THE cheers were so loud and so shrill I feared the windows might shatter.

Groups of hitherto strangers gurned with delight as they mimicked the uplifting chimney sweep dance from Mary Poppins.

Caps were doffed and forelocks tugged as the celebrations rolled on well into the night.

The unbridled, unfettered joy was, frankly, impossible to ignore.

Mechanics aped the “Can’t Get Quicker Than A Kwik Fit Fitter” song. Birds took spontaneously to the skies.

All around children bathed in a Ready Brek glow beamed rosy cheeks of happiness as their parents twirled merrily around their maypoles.

Queues stretched out at Ferrari and Rolls Royce dealerships from Land’s End to John O’Groats.

Fine dining restaurants reluctantly turned hungry customers away.

And banks could only groan under the weight of huge incoming cash deposits.

You do remember Tuesday, don’t you? It was truly a day to remember – a day when Great Britain basked in the collective glow of governmental benevolence.

Because who could fail to be anything other than ecstatic at the news that the minimum wage had risen 20p an hour?

Never mind that petrol prices – mostly tax, of course – are slowly creeping up to backstreet mugging levels again.

Never mind that we are entering an election period never more uncertain of where we’re all headed.

And never mind that catching a train in this country costs at least twice as much as in most other comparative European countries.

No, pipe down and instead quietly thank whichever god you choose for that extra £1.60 a day in your pocket.

It means you can now afford to splash out on an extra TWO tins of Heinz Baked Beans EVERY DAY down at Tesco – and still have 10p left over for other fancy goods, like gold bullion or unicorn eggs.

No doubt all the multimillionaire chief executives of our largely bankrupt banks are wondering if it’s time to ditch those thoroughly undeserved bonuses and opt for the bounty that is the minimum wage.

And watch as MPs rush to scrap plans to raise their own wages by 11% and remove their House of Commons food and drink subsidies for that £1.60 day-rise instead.

If you don’t like beans, of course, the lucky swathes on the minimum wage could opt to spend this extra cash on half a pint of Stella at my local.

Or put it to one side and take 40p from the next day’s “bonus” to put towards that other great tax on the poor, the National Lottery.

That’s the problem with this country, you see.

We just never know when we’ve got it so good…