LEGO, BREXIT, CHEESE AND 2017 JAMIE OLIVER’S DEATH!
Your predicts what the New Year
January
DONALD Trump steps up as President of the United States and he immediately starts to build his wall between America and Mexico.
He gets round the labour costs by deciding to make it out of Lego and getting children to build it.
The news is a huge boost to the Danish economy.
February
THE world goes into mourning after it is noted that not one single celebrity has died yet in 2017. Twitter feeds are filled with people complaining that their lack of grief for dead famous people has left them with nothing to Tweet about. Thankfully Cheryl Cole gives birth to a baby boy who she calls Stottie which gives folk something to discuss online. AS PM Theresa May finally gets ready to trigger Article 50, ‘Remain’ activists find an obscure dictionary published in the 15th century that proves that Brexit doesn’t mean Brexit after all – it actually means a type of cheese made in Derbyshire. The ensuing row derails the whole process and Mrs May decides to put it on the back burner, saying: “Until will clear up what Brexit really means then we cannot in good faith trigger Brexit. I mean, what if that means we have to give up cheese? I for one do not want to give up cheese.”
April
DONALD Trump moves into the White House after his extensive redecorations are finally completed.
The Oval Office is now square and the outside of the house is coated in gold leaf.
Donald declares the remodelling: “Just the best. I am so happy that this greatest redecorating ever undertaken is finally complete. My thanks to Mr Llewellyn-Bowen.”
May March
AFTER the craziness that was 2016 who knows 2017 has what in store for us. This year saw crazy election results, heartbreaking celebrity deaths and England being knocked Euros out of the by Iceland. And with the likes of Leicester City winning League the Premier and Donald Trump set to be the President United States of the it becomes increasingly difficult to predict what might be coming up in the next 12 months. But the Midweek Sport has teamed up with world’s some of the top futurologists to see what 2017 holds in store… BREXIT is back on after it is discovered that the ancient document linking it to a type of cheese is a fake, put together by Remainers.
Theresa May apologises but insists she was right not to trigger Article 50 until the whole thing is cleared up.
Asked when she will now start the process she says: “Well, it looks like it’s going to be a lovely summer so we don’t want to ruin that, so we’ll have a look in the autumn.
“Now, who wants some cheese?”
June
TIGER Woods wins the US Open for the first time since 2008. When asked what was the secret of his return to form he said: “I went back to basics. I examined everything I used to do before I stopped winning and decided to recreate that. So I’ve been shagging everything that moved, and it’s worked wonders!”
July
THANKS to the boost from the US-Mexico wall Denmark overtakes the UK as Europe’s second-largest economy.
The weather in Britain sees temperatures of 30 degrees for two days and the ensuing drought causes a national emergency.
The nation turns on Stephen Fry when it is discovered he has been beating the hosepipe ban by using bottled water from Fiji to water his hydrangeas.
August
THERESA May she is finally ready to trigger Article 50 and get Brexit under way. “This is it,” she says. “No more putting it off. We will get this underway as soon as I get through sorting the cupboard under the stairs.” The English Premier League is thrown into chaos when China buys every single player at every club. THE world rejoices after the first celebrity of the year dies and everyone can finally enjoy a good public mourning. But the celebrations are put on hold when actor Peter Sallis reveals he was just in a really deep sleep. Experts say that with a total of zero, 2017 has been the worst ever year for celebrity deaths. THE Great British Bake Off returns to our screens on Channel 4. The new format takes inspiration from the channel’s hit dating show Naked Attraction and everyone involved is completely starkers.
Viewers are not impressed with new hosts Jo Brand and Christopher Biggins.
November
A STORM in the US blows down the Lego wall and millions of illegal immigrants rush through causing a crisis for the Mexican authorities, who struggle find places for them all to live.
December September
EUROPE is in turmoil with the collapse of the Danish economy, after they are sued by the US government over the broken US-Mexico wall. Theresa May says it would not be right to trigger article 50 until an economic recovery. On December 31 the first celebrity of the year dies when Jamie Oliver slips on a banana and falls face first into a cake mixer. Twitter users don’t know how to react to his death, and nothing is posted online.