Hooker’s ‘special’ was most amazing sex experience ever

WHENEVER my girlfriend offers to give me head, I shoot my load before her lips have even touched my bellend.

Since we started going out three months ago we’ve tried everything in the bedroom – except bum sex.

She especially likes me to bring her off with my fingers, or a dildo, or even a cucumber or a carrot.

But every time she says she is going to suck me off, I instantly blow my mess.

We even tried the old surprise technique once, where she went down on me without saying a word.

But as soon as her head went down under the duvet, I went and spunked straight into her eye.

A friend of mine knows a hypnotist, but I’m scared of going in case I start stripping bollock-naked when someone says “baked beans” or something. What do you reckon? I’M the breadwinner and the missus does all the housework – and this relationship suits us just fine.

But ever since she started reading one of those magazines for “new” women, she’s come up with loads of bizarre ideas.

First she got me helping out in the kitchen, then on a Saturday morning – when she normally wakes me up with a blowjob before making me a full English brekkie – she kicked me out of bed and had me doing the bloody laundry!

But now she’s really taking the piss with her naked gardening. It may be OK if you live out in the countryside, but not in our front yard – by a busy main road.

I’d be fine about it if she looked like a top Midweek Sport babe, but she’s 53 and her saggy tits and arse have made me a laughing stock down the local pub. Please help – what can I do to get her to cover up?

FT, Tyneside I’VE never been with a hooker before, but for some reason the other night I really fancied it.

I have to walk through a red-light area from work to get to my car and curiosity got the better of me when I worked late recently.

I’ve always been civil to the girls as I’ve walked by and some of them are good lookers.

There’s one curvy brunette whose patch is near the car park and she says she keeps an eye on my car when she’s not servicing her sex-hungry clients.

She’s offered me sex a few times, but I’ve always said no.

But to keep me interested, she occasionally promised me her “special”. She’d never tell me what her “special” was, but that night I just had to try it out.

Well, I can tell you that it was the most amazing sex experience of my life.

Yes, bedding someone you love is fantastic, but that’s pure love. This was just hard sex.

I won’t reveal what her “special” was, but I will be going back to her for more.

The only problem is that I love my wife and would hate her to find out. What would you advise?

ER, West Midlands

Bexi says…

MB, Lancs ENCOURAGE your wife to be more adventurous in bed. She might even have her own “special” services.