Motor muse monthly

MMM’s ingredients expert attempts to identify the individual features for his perfect destination

Does anyone actually cook anything nowadays? Or do we just spend our time watching some wannabe on the gogglebox attempting to somehow get themselves famous by winning the latest TV cooking show? Just so that they then get invited onto I’m A Wannabe Waster Trying To Make Myself Filthy Rich So Don’t Get Me Out Of Here Quite Yet.

Then, after we’ve all watched said cooking show, everybody ‘gets on the mobile’ and orders a takeaway. I prefer the word ‘telephone’. It has depth and dignity.

Oh, and ‘waster’ wasn’t the word I originally typed, but you’ll get my drift. If my grasp of what is actually happening on the Great British Half-Baked-Off or whatever seems a little out of kilter, then I apologise, as I have never actually seen any of them. I’m usually slaving over a hot stove whilst my good lady is honing her unfulfilled cooking skills watching TV.

However, we’re all a bit guilty of bingeing on TV at the moment, and my personal poison is something called Bangers and Cash.

As a result, I’m getting more than slightly worried that if we don’t get out in our travel wagon soon we’ll end up with a yard full of old cars awaiting renovation. Oh, and perhaps worse, a houseful of cats, dogs or any other furry waif requiring succour.

Sorry about all that, now where were we?

Yes, the different ingredients that come together to make up the perfect destination to visit in our adventure trucks. We are all different in some ways, but remarkably alike in our basic requirements. I was going to start with food, as life doesn’t get more basic, but does the choice and availability of grub really influence our choice of destination? Just as long as we can get some. Maybe? I’m not sure.

For us, the scenery plays a big part in our travelling life. In fact, throw warm, dry weather and the scenery together and that’s it – I don’t move, except to trample or pedal all over said scenery. On that theme, if you bring together warm, dry weather, the scenery and the seaside, not only do I not move, but neither does my good lady.

Perfect. A ready supply of cheap booze helps, too. Alas, these are also the basic ingredients for nearly everyone else, so where these desirable features coincide, or even just a couple of them, the human animal tends to swarm.

Did I mention that my first ingredient, after the availability of food, booze, decent weather, dramatic scenery and seaside, is a desire to avoid any contact with all those other animals seeking the same basic requirements? This is getting more complicated.

To make things even more impossible, finding our perfect destination (a place of sun, sand, scenery, sea and no one else about) as life bumbles on towards oblivion, our bodies have actively assimilated less ambitious targets in the physical sense. Rather than run up all the mountains outside the ’van, and keep at it constantly, day after day, we now have a much more flexible approach to physical exercise. We now stroll to the nearest bar/ café and sit outside with a coffee, admiring all those mountains we are still nearly tempted to run up. Occasionally. We’re still doing it mentally, of course, and keeping our minds healthy.

Where the sea and the sand are concerned, well, nothing has changed too much: we march off towards the beach (a couple of miles or so is good), but linger awhile at the nearest bar/café over a coffee, fiercely admiring the scenery to keep our minds fit, then amble down to the beach. Obviously, we haven’t got time for all that multi-mile swimming (because of the morning coffee and mind fitness sessions), so a quick dip suffices, and we’re back at the bar/café for afternoon coffee and a cake. With more scenery admiration taking place. It’s also good for the soul is the scenery admiration.

Can you see the potential snags here? Preferably, because we are human and never satisfied, we now require a small selection of bars/cafés being available in order to vary our routines a little. These would, of course, need to be surrounded by, and having a great view of the scenery, constant sunshine, a handy beach, decent biking opportunities, a superb but near-empty campsite amongst it all, and not another soul for miles. Kilometres will do in this case. Undeterred, or even driven on by these ever more discerning requirements, we will strive ever onwards seeking that perfect destination.

Any suggestions?

“Bring together warm, dry weather, the scenery and the seaside and, not only do I not move, but lady” neither does my good