Motor muse monthly

MMM’s Official Pessimist wonders if the current boom in motorhome sales might be a very bad thing

Now I know that this monthly evacuation of my cranial canyon isn’t labelled Motor Moan anymore but, right now, I think there’s cause for concern in the motorhome world. Before pressing on with the specifics, though, I’d like you all to have a good think about wood burners, or log burners, or whatever you wish to call them. We’ve had one for years, and we wouldn’t want to be without it.

Why? Well, not only does it warm the hovel, but it warms our souls, and there is something very beautiful and primeval about being lost in the spell of the dancing flames of any fire, and feeling its warmth right through your being.

However, whenever anyone enquires about the pros and cons of living with one of these enthralling, breathing, living beasts, I always tell them that they are a complete and utter pain in the backside. After all, only an idiot would spend half their life cleaning it out, making it every morning, constantly keep it burning at its optimum rate, and finding the wood to feed its voracious appetite. Not to mention the costs, which are much, much higher than using any other means of keeping your house warm.

“Ah, but they are sustainable and ecofriendly,” all the Chelsea armchair eco-warriors shout. Oh no they are not, but that’s for later.

So, what the ‘blazes’ has it got to do with motorhomes? Well, the reason we’re spreading disinformation intended to put folk off wood burners is because there has been a huge boom in the sale of wood burners recently and the Government has got wind of it, if you’ll pardon the expression. And now they know we’re all enjoying our wood burners in increasing numbers, they are going to ban us. Or try.

Do you remember the conversations you used to have with people who didn’t know about the world of campervanning and caravanetting? We, us mobile itinerants, were bearded long-haired hippy revolutionaries wearing flowers in our hair, and calling for love and peace. Or potential civil servants in other words. But we were very stupid, because notions like peace and love were never going to catch on. It was fun whilst it lasted, though.

Normal people, who had caravans, or went on mass-produced package holidays would ask us why we did what we did and, like normal, helpful, socially responsible people, we would try and explain the joys of going where we wanted and being able to up-sticks and move almost instantly if it wasn’t quite what we had in mind. That state of mind called freedom. We would tell them of the deserted, beautiful places we’d temporarily lived in, where no ordinary holiday would ever take them, and some of the wonders of nature we had witnessed.

For years, thankfully, nobody really listened, and the few who had seen the light, and felt the warmth, roamed alone, though never lonely, in an untroubled state of bliss. Yeah, OK, I’m overdoing it a bit, but you’ll get my drift. We were free spirits, with no restrictions.

For the last few years, when asked by other noncamperhomers why we do it, we now regale them with all manner of disasters in wild uncivilised foreign places, muggings, thefts, gassings, atrocious sites and the hardships of living in a small space with crude facilities. We tell ’em we hate it, but can’t afford anything else. Nobody wants others to think they are poor peasants, unless that is, you want to keep the masses from your mobile door.

Things have been changing for years in truth, with ‘motorhoming’ (God, but I hate that terminology – we are just curious travellers) becoming a somewhat aspirational ambition. Like wood burners, having and using an adventure wagon has become trendy.

Back to wood burners, if everyone in this over-populated chain of small islands got themselves a wood burner and used them, within a week Britain would be bald, with not a tree left standing. And likewise, with motorcaravans, if they remain trendy, and the sales boom continues, there will not be a single beautiful, lonely, deserted place left that isn’t covered in motorhomes. Nowhere for us to imagine a world of quietness and freedom. The joy will have gone.

Is there a solution? Of course, we could get banned, or perhaps we need to start spreading the word about what a terrible, terrible lifestyle it is.

“We, us mobile itinerants, were bearded long-haired hair” hippy revolutionaries wearing flowers in our