THE BOATAHOLIC
Nick Burnham: “I hate jetskis! There, I said it”
Ihate jetskis! There, I said it. I can feel the hackles rising from here, so I’ll qualify that. Yes of course, there are jetskiers that ride responsibly. And if that’s you, I applaud you. The problem is that it’s a bit like having a neck tattoo of Tyrone and Chardonnay’s names and dates of birth. You might be the chairman of Coutts, but you’re still going to be judged for it. And as ever, it’s never the responsible ones we remember. It’s the others. All those others…
Most jetskiers seem to crave attention. It’s why, when presented with unlimited ocean, they like to race up and down the shoreline where they can be admired by their captive audience. Up and down and up and down, making that dreadful jetski drone. If this is you – here’s a top tip. No one cares. So on behalf of that audience, please accept our collective and heartfelt ‘sod off!’
You’d think that jetskis run from proper boats might be a little more responsible, but how many times have you seen them ripping through anchorages at warp speed? We were off Broadsands beach, well inside the clearly marked low speed zone (bright yellow buoys with 5 KNOTS emblazoned on them). Another boat had a dreaded jetski and the main activity was to rip through the anchorage, blast out to sea in a straight line then turn around and blast back, speed unchecked, to the mothership. Eventually I managed to attract the rider’s attention and have ‘a quiet word’. He didn’t do it again…
And why so very fast? The fastest clock 70mph! What’s so great about doing 70mph over, say, 40mph apart from even flatter
testicles? It’s not like they’re ever going anywhere – two miles in one direction, turn round, two miles back. Rinse and repeat. And what’s with the stupid rooster-tail jet of water? It’s a cooling water telltale apparently, but it’s behind the rider where he can’t see it – far better if it was aimed straight into his stupid smug face, surely?
But they’re at their worst when they hunt in packs. I was approaching Berry Head, minding my own business at 20 knots, when a bunch of them came around the headland at warp speed, riding many abreast and heading straight at me. What can you do in that situation? Normal rules of the road don’t apply because they’re so fast and so completely unpredictable. If I’d altered course to starboard I’d have been cutting across in front of some of them; if I held my course I was on a collision course anyway. The only safe thing to do was stop completely and let them bounce noisily past. Here’s a top tip if you and your mates like to jetski in groups. Club together and buy a proper boat, that way your girlfriend clinging wetly on behind won’t look so pissed off and your testicles will look less like pancakes.
Naturally, I have a solution to the jetski problem that I shall implement once I’m prime minister, immediately after banning crab pots more than 100ft from the shore. Boat owners will be allowed to carry shotguns, and jetskis will be fitted with strobes that light up at speeds over 6 knots. See a strobe – it’s open season.
That way they get all the attention they desire, and we all get to do precisely what we’re all thinking whenever one of these things comes within 500ft of us.