CHRISTMASTVGUIDE
Watch The Snowman (Christmas Eve, 1720hrs, Channel 4) for an overload in festive spirit. Snow joke.
I believe Raymond Briggs might be working on a sequel to this called The Snowman And The Snow Driverless Flying Car that should be coming out in the year 2045. Spoiler alert: the thing fails to get off the ground and crashes into the garden shed in a ball of flames, killing everyone in the village.
Flick to More4 for some Rolls Royce-standard comedy from the kings of laughter with Peter Cook and Dudley Moore: The Missing Sketches (Christmas Eve, 2000hrs, More4).
Then stay on that channel for side-splitting timeless Irish laughter with the Father Ted Christmas Special (2100hrs, More4).
In case you’ve been living in the core of the earth with no TV reception and aren’t familiar with this Christmas tradition of a heart-warming story about a caring American family who thoughtfully forget to take their son Kevin on holiday leaving him home alone and in grave danger from some hapless crooks…check out Home Alone (Christmas Day, 1750hrs, Channel 4).
Wake up motorsport fans: there’s a Delorean packed with all the toys (although I am not sure if it has central locking) in Back to the Future (Tuesday, December 26, 1800-2000hrs). Marty Mcfly is sent back in time to 1955 and instead of searching for the first copy of Motorsport News on the newsagents the star man gets into a romantic situation with his mother, which is a little awkward.
Dragon’s Den should be your next port of call (Tuesday, December 26, 2100hrs, BBC2). It is a Christmas special where the pipedreaming boffins pitch a new range of useless products like healthy porridge (yawn), and men’s grooming products (just boring).
My advice to the dragons is that they should save their money and invest £350 million into the NHS every week, thanks leave voters. Now we’re all saying “I’m out”...of the EU!
Want to know the secret behind the red-breasted robin? Then tune into BBC2 for a festive episode of QI (Tuesday, December 26, 2200hrs).
Alan Partridge: Why, When, Where, How and Whom? will be starting (Wednesday December 27, 2100hrs, BBC2). He drives a Lexus, you know, or as he calls it, the Japanese Mercedes-benz.
In the need for some speed? Then watch the film Speed. If the bus goes below 50mph, then it’s boom time… (Saturday December 30, 2320hrs, Channel 4).
You may wonder why this TV guide is strewn with old retro classics, well the alternative is Mrs Brown’s Boys, Miranda and Strictly Come Dancing.
These are not offerings that will be on the box in the Stokoe household. The TV set will be turned off for fear I might smash it.
I’d rather gouge my eye balls out and throw them into a vat of mulled wine than watch that lot.
Remember a dog is for Christmas, and also for life, you can drink and drive providing it’s a soft drink, perhaps a lemonade… and the fact that Santa Claus doesn’t exist is fake news according to Donald Trump.
Merry binge-watching everything. Happy Christmas.