CHRISTMASTVGUIDE
So, the TV is about to vomit out a kaleidoscope of top notch entertainment over the festive period. After a year of Brexit mania and the world being on the verge of a nuclear war it’s nice to be brought back down to earth with the classics.
So lets start with Watership Down (Part 1 – Saturday, December 22, 1900hrs, BBC1/PART 2 – Sunday, 1920hrs, BBC1). Fans of ships tune out , fans of rabbits tune in. Not got any tissues in the house? Tune back out again. Next it’s Dragon’s Den (Sunday, December 23, 2000hrs, BBC2). Those huge piles of cash sitting next to the Dragons is just asking for a lone mentalist to come waltzing into the den pitching for a 1 per cent stake in his new sawn-off shotgun range with built in smoothie maker …. now that would make for great entertainment watching Peter Jones get haggled down at gun point but sadly I won’t be watching it tonight ... “I’m out” !
The name’s Bond, James Bond, in Casino Royale (Sunday, December 23, 2100hrs, ITV). Don’t get too excited by the car in this one though. The Aston Martin DBS doesn’t have the usual 007 gadgets the rearfacing double-barreled gun, the flamethrowers, the ejector seats with parachute... but just a small defibrillator, the one careful previous owner was infact a hypochondriac villain. Bond wins it in a strip poker game I think...
Big fans of laughter and suffering from Father Ted insomnia should avoid lying horizontal and tune in to Channel 4 after midnight to watch Ted offend Craggy Island’s Chinese community with four classic episodes.
It’s Christmas Eve , the stocking is hung, the children’s eyes are taped closed – settle down with a pint of mulled vodka and watch The Lady in the Van (Monday, December 24, 2200hrs, BBC2). If an old bag parked her van on your driveway for 15 years, that’s £657,000 in parking fines... thank you!
Christmas Day is finally here, so watch the Queen’s Speech (1500hrs, BBC1) as she marvels over the UK’S amazing year through her rose tinted spectacles (well Gareth Southgate’s lads did alright in Russia, then there was Billy Monger’s courageous motorsport comeback, Harry Redknapp being crowned King of the Jungle but that’s it and she probably won’t mention any of these so I feel it my duty to here!).
Anyway watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1510hrs, Channel 5) , the noise of the flying vintage car backfiring might be handy to mask those awkward trouser coughs post brussel sprout overdose, you might need to apply a gas mask though... I mean who actually likes brussel sprouts but we all eat at least 10 because it’s tradition.
If you fancy a swift half pint of misery then pop into the Queen Vic (2115hrs, BBC1). Spoiler alert, the new Eastenders set won’t be ready until 2023 and at a cost of £86 million.
It’s Boxing Day, time for more family bonding with Quantum of Solace (Wednesday, December 26, 2000hrs, ITV). Aston enthusiasts don’t get too excited as a gold Ford Ka seems to be centre stage! Skyfall (Thursday, December 27, 2000hrs, ITV) on the other hand is rich pickings and Aston nerds will not be able to stand up as the gorgeous DB5 makes one of its longest appearances since Goldfinger (1964).
It’s New Year’s Eve. You could go out and watch fireworks whizzing, banging and popping by the bongs of Big Ben and then get kettled in a dark alleyway by the old bill for three hours, or you could stay indoors as a hair-raising supercar chase through Rome is definitely a more appealing option in the Bond thriller Spectre (Monday, December 31, 2000hrs, ITV). Bond has a DB10 and will need more than a tube of T-cut to sort it in the end.
So now it’s New Year’s Day, 2019... the hangover cure, (no not becoming a fully fledged vegan, or running backwards for five miles in your new lycra budgie smugglers) settle down with a turkey sandwich and watch World’s Strongest Man (Tuesday, January 1, 2019, Channel 5, 1750hrs). Tossing the hammer, pulling an aeroplane and lifting a car. That’s all they’ll be fit for soon when they have no steering wheel or engine and rely on 400 odd 9V rechargeables... these guys could have single-handedly built Crossrail in half the time.