Ask Helen
Celebrity agony aunt Helen Lederer gives you her heartfelt advice every week
Q I was married to a really lovely, good-natured man for 45 years and although he died over 10 years ago, I still miss him terribly. A few years ago I met a man and we became good friends, but I’m writing because I don’t really know how to cope with his moods. He’s been diagnosed as bipolar, but refuses to accept this. His up and down moods make me very nervous and anxious as he loses his temper for little or nothing. He’s very jealous too, and there’s no need for him to be. We do have good times, but I constantly feel as if I am walking on eggshells around him and he scares me. Do you feel that I am foolish to carry on a relationship with a bipolar person?
Perhaps openness will touch him in such a way that he can respond and you can make plans
A I can clearly see your dilemma. On the one hand, here is someone you care about and have good times with, but on the other hand, it seems from what you say here that he may be in denial about a serious issue.
I also appreciate that after your bereavement you are now ready to appreciate and enjoy another chance at happiness with a partner, but this doesn’t mean you must settle for less than you deserve! You cannot carry on walking on eggshells around him, that simply will not work.
Therefore, I suggest that you do bring up this subject – preferably when he is in a good place in terms of mood and calmness. Start by saying how much you enjoy your times together and talk about some specific times.
Then you do have to say that not everything is fabulous as far as you are concerned. Ask whether he has noticed how he can be so rapidly up and down, how he easily gets cross and jealous. Ask him about his past relationships and how they ended.
Hopefully you will be able to get a better and fuller picture of him and how he manages his diagnosis.
If he just flies off the handle and shouts at you, then I’m afraid you may have to seriously consider the sense – or otherwise – of continuing.
Perhaps your openness will touch him in such a way that he can respond, and you can make plans as to how to manage this together. I suggest counselling is a safe place to begin. Remember you’re in charge and you can choose how to run your life.