Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
Chris takes the concept of getting lost in translation to a whole new level
Whenever I have a new book coming out ( The World’s Daftest Rabbit and Other Stories, plug plug) something terrible happens to at least one media type – they find themselves having to interview me.
Regular readers may remember that I have a very poor track record when it comes to interviews. To my knowledge, I’m the only person who ever had to be almost forcibly taken off the air at Saga Radio. Also, by total accident and to the great surprise of the presenter, I spent 20 minutes strongly urging people not to buy my books during a live interview at BBC Radio Berkshire.
Luckily my latest interview wasn’t live and nobody was listening. It’s much better that nobody listens when I speak. No, this was a very pleasant telephone interview about the book, and I was asked some really good questions.
One such question was, “When you think of something you want to write about, how do you remember it?”
The answer to that is, I email myself from my mobile phone, sending any ideas straight to my desktop computer. This makes me possibly the only person on earth excited to receive an email from me.
While this sounds like a good, efficient system, there are definite flaws. For instance, when I open half the emails from myself, they make no sense whatsoever.
A very good example of this was I opened just the other day that said, in bold capitals, BODY FOUND IN CEMETERY. A good place for it to be, I suppose, but I have no idea what I could have been thinking when I sent it. Another informed me, Fronds of nowhere, make sure you check Ellis. Hardcore! I don’t even know anyone called Ellis, or anybody hardcore. And what are the Fronds of Nowhere?
I think my problems stem from a combination of factors, chief among them being predictive text and the fact I often don’t open the messages until weeks later, by which time I have no idea what I was on about.
Another problem is the messages I send from my bed at three in the morning. These are often “clever” ideas that don’t seem at all clever the following morning. Regular readers will know I don’t have clever ideas, so these messages were always going to be useless.
Other 3am emails are sent because sometimes I wake from dreams laughing (is this normal behaviour?) I then think to myself, That dream was so funny, that’ d make the most incredible sitcom!
When “awake me” then reads my script ideas, I can’t believe what a pile of garbage I’ve sent myself. Something like this is probably how The Emoji Movie happened.
I’ve just written this column on my mobile phone, with a cat on my lap in a customer’s house, and I’ll be emailing it to myself in just a moment. You’re now thinking, A ha, that explains a lot… Aren’t you?
Out now! Our first ever Fun Tales Collection! The World’s Daftest Rabbit & Other Stories is available exclusively from WWW. DC THOMSON SHOP. CO.UK for just £7.99.
It’s much better that nobody listens when I speak