Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
In the wee small hours, something very strange is afoot – Chris’s brain!
Well, I’m writing to you this week from the Fronds of Nowhere. That’s probably my strangest opening My Weekly line ever, but those who read last week’s column will have an idea what I’m talking about (which is more than my friends and family ever do).
I am of course referring to the fact I regularly send column ideas to myself via my mobile phone upon waking at around three in the morning, and consequently remind myself to write about things such as the Fronds of Nowhere, even though I have no idea what they are or what I was referring to when I wrote about them.
My underlying problem is that I wake in the early hours far too often, especially at this time of year with Christmas on the way and the clocks having gone back.
Apparently, I’ve got an “always-on brain”, which is the exact opposite of what most people suspected. This means that after a few moments grogginess (presumably during which I message myself nonsense) I’m totally wide awake, thinking about the day ahead way too far ahead, and worrying about every silly little thing I can think of. This morning for instance I was fretting about the need to get a new artificial Christmas tree, having totally destroyed ours on its way back to the loft last year. Christmas is close but not so close I need to lie awake thinking of trees at 3am. But that’s the way I do things – my brain might be always on, but probably not for any useful purpose.
After sorting out my non-problems and finally drifting back to sleep, my – also always-on – massive ex-stray bruiser of a tomcat Bodmin will jump on my chest and meow full blast in my face, deeply concerned that I’ve gone back to sleep without feeding him. Such was the extent of this Bodmin problem we bought him a timer-feeder for his Christmas present last year. The Bodmin solution? He’d rip the thing open with his giant claws around midnight, eat the contents and then still jump on me in the early hours. The timer-feeder was transferred to daytime usage and, thanks to its habit of sounding an alert for any interested felines seconds before opening, generally exploded its lid into our other cat Jojo’s face as she rushed up to it. Cat-redundant, it’s now in the possession of our rabbits Ted and Billie, and at least 50% useful (the Billie 50% of course).
I’ve just realised that within this week’s column are two pretty good title ideas for paperback novels… The FrondsofNowhere and The BodminSolution… and I’d definitely write those novels if I had any idea what to put in them.
Anyway I’m going to need to get back into a sleep routine in the next month or so – Christmas is an exceptionally busy time for catsitters. Those cats don’t feed themselves you know. Unless they’re Bodmin at midnight, of course.
My brainmight always be on but not for any useful purpose