Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales

Chris suffers ongoing tussles with his parents over social media and technology

Ineed to start this week by stating categorically that, just because I’ve been complaining bitterly about my parents in recent columns, I’m not now using this page simply to complain about my parents. I consider writing for My Weekly an honour and I would never do something as base and ridiculous as that.

Anyway, I’d like to use this week’s column to complain about my parents.

Regular readers will know that lately I’ve been shouted at, embarrassed and totally humiliated. Hmm… that last sentence pretty much describes my normal state of affairs, but recently that’s all been down to Mum and Dad.

So what now, I hear you say? OK, I’ll tell you, but only because you asked.

Basically, they’re totally furious with me about Alexa. They fully blame me for bringing this “moronic robot” into their home. Firstly, they can’t get round the fact that for Alexa to respond, they need to call her Alexa, and not Alicia. It’s an easy mistake to make, particularly as Alicia’s the name of their next door neighbour. I’m not sure what Alicia thinks when, through the walls, she hears my mum shouting her name, followed by a stream of insults like, “Argghhh Alicia – you’re an idiot!”

One thing I do know is that Alexa won’t be hearing any of it! Glancing down Alexa’s recorded list of recent interactions (those that worked) I actually feel overwhelming empathy – for Alexa. For instance:

“Alexa, what books has Chris Tesco written?”

Chris Tesco? Tesco? I have the same name as them for pity’s sake!

“Alexa, cook the potatoes for 20 minutes.”

Alexa can definitely set a timer for 20 minutes, but I’m not sure she’s actually able to cook the potatoes.

I’m really hoping this one was in jest: “Alexa, why have I come into this room?”

Beyond Alexa though, they’ve continued to do quite well on the “embarrassing Chris” front.

Those familiar with Facebook will understand how the following could be slightly embarrassing…

As with many Facebook users, my account had become bloated with a great many friends who I either hadn’t spoken to in quarter of a century or didn’t actually know at all. I therefore decided to create a second secret account, using my first and middle names, and inviting close friends and family only. I knew this would probably be seen as a bit of a snub to all those I didn’t invite to join, but reasoned they’d be far better off without me, and would never find out anyway.

However, when I invited Mum, she clearly also felt it was a snub to everyone I’d missed out, and told me so – via motherly advice posted on my original Facebook page in full view of every single snubee:

CHRIS, ABOUT THIS NEW FACEBOOK ACCOUNT YOU’VE MADE FOR PROPER FRIENDS ONLY? I KNOW YOU DON’T WANT PEOPLE LIKE TOM AND AUNTY AUDREY ON IT, BUT DON’T YOU THINK THEY MIGHT FEEL A BIT HURT?

Well, they will now.

Chris Pascoe is the author of ACatCalledBirmingham and YouCanTaketheCat Out of Slough, and of Your Cat magazine’s column Confessions of a Cat Sitter.