Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales

Not one, but both of Chris’s parents appear to have vanished…

Iarrived at my parents’ house yesterday to find it impersonating the Marie Celeste. The Marie Celeste, of course, was a ship famously found adrift on the ocean, completely devoid of crew.

There were no signs of a struggle or stormy weather and there were unfinished meals on the ship’s dining table. But the ship was completely empty.

It remains one of the great maritime mysteries, and while my parents’ house didn’t quite aspire to those levels, there were eerie similarities.

Firstly, the front door was wide open, but no one was to be seen. Radio 2 played quietly in the background; Ken Bruce broadcasting to an empty house. Suddenly Alexa, the Amazon AI home assistant, gave a short beep and announced, “Here’s your reminder – pick up my ass”.

OK, that was odd, but, given my parents’ total inability to control Alexa, not altogether surprising. I listened as she repeated her reminder, just to check I hadn’t misheard. I hadn’t.

I looked out of the window into the back garden – no sign of life. I touched the kettle – recently boiled, but no hot drinks anywhere.

I headed upstairs and looked around all the silent rooms. Baffling… they’d boiled the kettle, then gone out, the front door wide open, and left Alexa repeating a disturbing reminder.

As I checked the last empty bedroom, I got quite a surprise – there, at the window, was my dad, standing on an adjoining roof and waving frantically at me. Rushing downstairs, I ran into the garden. “Chris!” he yelled. “My ladder fell over! I’ve been stuck up here quarter of an hour.”

I noticed there was a cup of coffee up there, so two out of three mysteries solved. But what about Alexa’s reminder?

“Where’s Mum?” I asked as I repositioned his ladder.

“She’s gone to pick up Maya’s birthday present.”

Aha, things suddenly made sense – Mum had slightly mispronounced her message and only managed to record half of it. Nothing mysterious there, then.

In truth, I’m no better when it comes to dealing with our own Alexa at home. Last week my daughter Maya (whose present is now in Mum’s custody) arrived home to find me in a heated exchange with Alexa.

Maya stood watching for a few moments before finally shouting, “OK, Dad – Alexa asked you for a simple ‘yes or no’ answer… and you answered ‘ KungFuPanda’.

“Yes, but that was the answer!” I blurted out.

She stared at me in disbelief.

“Alexa said to you, ‘Do you want to quit? You replied, ‘ KungFuPanda’. How is that the right answer?”

OK, I’ll admit it sounds a bit crazy when put like that, but I’d actually been playing a movie quiz, when things started to go wrong – I won’t go into details, but I was still trying to answer a previous question.

If Alexa ever turns against humanity, I bet my family will be number one on her revenge list.

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