This backward planet would be an easy conquest…
Coffee Break Tale
Kqarg’s third eyelid twitched. That only meant one thing: he was descending through the stratosphere of this outer-galaxy, second-rate planet. With the index finger of his third hand, he flipped the translucer switch. Now his spacecraft would be invisible to the Earthlings below. Such strange creatures! Kqarg had captured vids from their primitive cyber network. Only two of everything! Two arms, two legs, two eyes! Never mind that each specimen seemed to have only one head, which housed one rudimentary brain system!
No wonder the poor beings were so low on the evolutionary scale. This would be the easiest conquest by far.
Headingfortheirfinancialcentre,sir, he thought-radioed his commander back in Space. Commander Szeev had chosen Lundin on the Tems River as the optimum landing site.
“A financial capital is populated by rational beings who understand shortterm affliction can lead to long-term rewards. They won’t be tainted by that Earthling emotion they call compassion,” Commander Szeev had explained.
Kqarg dropped his fall-speed to cruise. The Tems River should appear soon. That was another strange aspect of these Earthlings and their feeble attempts at progress. They finally managed, after millennia, to create a written language with set rules – and immediately went about breaking those rules. What possessed them to spell Lundin as London? And Tems as Thames? No wonder they were such a backward species!
Luckyforthemwe’llbetakingover soon, he thought-phoned Nxushar, his third wife. She was his favourite, the youngest and the prettiest with each of her three faces more beautiful than the one before. They’llbegrateful,oncethey recoverfromtheinitialshock.Oncewe thindowntheirout-of-controlpopulation.
ThisLundinisaprimeexample, Nxushar.Almostninemillionspecimens inanareathesizeofZythalValley.Insane!
But as usual, his first wife Aagumph interrupted, with her usual ridiculous phone-comments. Whydon’tyoualljust comehome?Whygoattackingbeingsin othergalaxies,stickingyournoseswhere theydon’tbelong?
Aagumph was the bane of Kqarg’s life. He’d married her before he was old enough to have more sense, mesmerised by her three magnificent breasts.
And now that she’d joined those ridiculous LALLs, home-life was a nightmare! The LALLs were a bunch of females whose motto was Live and Let Live. They stormed around, their legs unshaven and their three breasts apiece dangling free and frightening, interfering with the male drive for conquest.
WhatifthoseEarthlingsarehappyas theyare,Husband?Maybetheydon’t wanttohavehalftheirpopulation liquidated.Maybetheyaren’tinterestedin acquiringourgreatscientificadvances?
Quickly Kqarg brought his thought-call to an end. He had a job to do, scouting a safe landing site for the fleet. The last thing he needed was mind-distortion from an annoying wife.
He shook his three heads to clear them and focus on the job at hand. And yes, there just below him was Lundin. He could see the snaking river flanked by its rather unimposing buildings. He could see the great wheel at the water’s edge which the Lundinites called, for some strange reason, The Eye.
What was its purpose? Some kind of hydro-power machine? But something was wrong! Something was very wrong!
Kqarg rubbed his fifth eye. This wasn’t what he expected. This wasn’t the way a rational financial capital should look. No! Violent explosions were going off all over the city, filling the air with smoke that fogged up his screen, turning the river a fearsome red. And there were great fires burning in random open spaces.
Kqarg turned his throttle to slow for a better view. It seemed… could it possibly be? Yes, there appeared to be an Earthling body burning atop many of the fires. Two arms, two legs, one head! And around the fires, other Earthlings had gathered, laughing as the bodies burned.
What kind of vicious savagery was this? Where was the Earthling compassion Commander Szeev had discussed?
Kqarg full-throttled back towards the stratosphere.
Abortmission,sir! he thought-radioed. Thisplanetistoodangerous.Itis inhabitedbymindlessviolentbrutes.
Then he began his thought-report, logging in the appropriate Earth-date.