Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
Chris puts ideas into the heads of his pets… it’s a disturbing thought
Why does the fat man assume that I know the answer to this?
It’s nearly 2019! I can’t believe it! I suppose I should have seen it coming, what with it having been 2018 for almost a year… but still amazing!
Traditionally, of course, with a New Year comes resolutions. Mine is simple – win £100 million on the lottery, move to the Isle of Wight, and do nothing ever again. In truth, I’ve had that same resolution for quarter of a century – I can’t work out what’s going wrong.
So with my resolution in orbit, I got to thinking… what would our household pets’ resolutions be?
I think I can guess our giant bruiser tomcat Bodmin’s. Something along the lines of, Packof Rottweilersmovedinat number37.Neutralisethem. Neutralise…withextreme prejudice.
And for Jojo, our permanently annoyed tortoiseshell… ThisyearI’m goingtofindtheanswerto life’sgreatestquestion “Who’sagoodgirl?”Since thefirstdayIcanremember, thefatmanwhofeedsmehas repeatedlystrokedmyhead andaskedthatquestion.I’ve neverbeenabletofindthe answer.Morerecently,the noisyteenagerhasstarted askingmethesamequestion.
WhydotheyallassumeI knowwhothegoodgirlis? Tedtherabbitthinksitmight behim,butIdon’tthinkhe’s quiterightinthehead…
And what about Spooky, the third and final member of our in-house cat squad? With extraordinarily uncatlike hunting skills (ie, she’s useless) it’s got to be, Must stopscreaminglikea bansheewhenI’mcreeping uponbirds.Ithinkitmight bewarningthem.
And with that, we move out to the hutch and on to the rabbits, Ted and Billie. So, first up, the world’s dumbest rabbit, the barely sentient lop-eared Ted. If there was ever a resolution Ted should have, it would have to be, Stopfallingasleepwhile eatinghayandfalling sidewaysoffmyfood-shelf ontoBillie’shead.She doesn’tlikeit.
Of course, it won’t be anything like that – that’s far too sensible. It’ll be more along the lines of, Mustlive uptomyreputationofbeing agoodgirl.I’mnotsurehow todothis,orwhatbeinga goodgirlinvolves,orwhata girlis,butI’mdefinitelygoing tobeone…afteranother nap…soprobablynextyear.
Billie’s resolution, therefore, should be to not sit under the food shelf. She should also consider requesting a tin helmet, and demand, with her partnerrabbit very much in mind, that we carefully study a leaflet we picked up on a recent rabbit health check visit to the vets, entitled Is YourRabbit’sMental FunctionACauseFor Concern? I think we can safely say it’s a cause for concern, yes.
By the way, with reference to Bodmin’s number 37 above, that isn’t the real street number the Rottweilers moved into, and not just a random number either - it’s actually my favourite number.
That’s because it happens to be the house number of my all-time hero, Andy Capp.
Nobody’s all-time hero should be Andy Capp…