Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales

Who needs gangs or enforcers when you have an over-zealous pet…

Not content with terrorising the neighbourhood dogs, posing a clear and present danger to all known wildlife and stalking giant Red Kite hawks, it appears that our ex-stray bruiser of a tomcat Bodmin recently made an attempt to take down our human next-door neighbour.

Dave, a semi-retired divorcee, is the perfect next-door neighbour in that he’s rarely next door, spending most of his time staying over at his sister’s house because it’s nearer his workplace.

The fact that both his sister and his workplace are only 15 miles away and he only works three days a week doesn’t seem to weaken his determination to stay away from his house as much as possible. Or possibly… he’s staying away from Bodmin.

Dave is a man of few words, but his chosen words last week ranged from surprising to astounding.

Because both Dave and I are party animals, we walk down to our local pub once a month – a pub that seems to only exist for our visits because I’ve never seen anyone else in there except a permanently furious landlady.

Once we’ve purchased our pints and peanuts and had our change thrown at us with a scowl, we sit down and stare at our pints, not daring to look

in the direction of the bar in case the landlady asks us what we think we’re looking at.

On this last visit, Dave opened the conversation with the aforementioned astounding comment.

“I found out my grandfather was born the year Abraham Lincoln got made US President,” he said suddenly.

“As in your great-greatgreat grandfather?” I asked, noting that the landlady had taken an interest and was leaning across the bar, which was slightly frightening.

“No, no, my actual grandad!” he said, warming to his subject.

“WHAT A LOAD OF OLD RUBBISH!” shouted the landlady.

“Don’t be daft, Dave,” I said, thinking much too hard, “Abraham Lincoln was President during the American Civil War – in the 1860s!” “I know. Amazing, isn’t it!” There are some things that couldn’t possibly be true, but actually are – 65-year-old Dave’s grandad was born in 1861. I thought I’d got my maths wrong but it was true! Dave was born to a 45-year-old father, who himself was born to a 48-year-old father. Add it up you’ll find it works. I couldn’t quite believe it!

Neither could I believe Dave’s next comment.

“Your cat attacked me the other day.”

I didn’t need three guesses to work out which cat.

“I was walking up my steps from the drive, hands full of shopping bags and I saw him sitting on the wall,” went on Dave. “I got to eye level and he suddenly cuffed me round the head. No warning at all. I dropped flipping groceries everywhere! There were apples and oranges rolling down the road!”

There are moments you shouldn’t laugh, and somehow I managed not to. The landlady showed no such restraint.

“HAHAHAHA – you dozy pillock!” she yelled, shaking her head. For bruising ears and egos, she and Bodmin would make quite a team.

“I saw him sitting on the wall… and suddenly he cuffed me”

Our latest Fun Tales Collection, The World’s Craziest Cats & Other Stories is available from WWW.DCTHOMSONSHOP.CO.UK for just £7.99.