Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
Why is no one taking Chris’s laudable attempts at a healthier lifestyle seriously?
After my recent spate of health scares, all of which, as per last week’s column, turned out to be nothing more than a total waste of the NHS’s time (very, very sorry), I decided it was time to take my health more seriously. When I mentioned this to Lorraine, I felt she was a little mocking in her response. Me: I’m thinking about going on a fitness regime. Lorraine: Lest you perish? Me: Lest I perish, yes. Lorraine: OK Chris, not being rude here (always the precursor to rudeness), but in the last year, you’ve apparently had liver disease, a stroke, bowel cancer, an enlarged prostate and a heart attack. Me: Exactly! Lorraine: But you didn’t have any of those things. Me: But… Lorraine: What you have, at best, is hypochondria, and at worst, Munchausen’s Syndrome. Me: What’s Munchausen’s Syndrome? Lorraine: A mental illness – always pretending to be sick. Me: What? Oh no, oh my life, you don’t think I’ve got that do you? It’s possible! I mean, look at the way I’ve… Lorraine: Stop. No, you’ve just proved it’s definitely hypochondria.
Unsure of Lorraine’s reasoning, but hugely relieved
Each day this week we have completed a half hour walk
I wasn’t suffering from a German-sounding syndrome, I completely forgot my ideas about lifestyle change and had another chocolate biscuit.
Things came to a head after a phone call from my mum. Mum: Hello Chris. Sarah (my sister) tells me you’ve been writing about me in My Weekly again. Apparently I called you fat. Is that right? Me: Yes… well, sort of, you said you were worried about me having a heart attack and… Mum: Calling somebody fat isn’t nice nowadays, Chris. You’re overweight. That’s what worries me.
So, back to considering a healthier lifestyle for five minutes, then forgetting all about it again, until a couple of days later in a huge sports shop in Southampton.
I tend not to talk about going to Southampton much, because the Portsmouth side of my family hugely disapprove (very old football rivalry – my dad played for Portsmouth’s Youth Team against them in about 1950 and he’s been openly hostile ever since), but we secretly love Southampton’s West Quay shopping centre with all its great restaurants. So much so that we stayed there for two days last week (no, we didn’t hide in the bed shop, there’s a hotel attached).
Anyway, the sports shop was displaying a poster about the benefits of cycling, and something in me just clicked.
That’sit, I thought, getinto cycling, join the Lycra-clad Sunday throng, get fit, get slim. That’ s what I’ ll do!
Then I saw that the cycling equipment was on the second floor, up two flights of stairs, and I couldn’t be bothered. The irony has since hit me.
Nevertheless, I’ve started my fitness campaign this week. Every day Lorraine and I complete a half-hour walk up West Wycombe Hill, down the other side and into the tea room for lattes and sausage rolls. I should be stick-thin after a month of this.
Our latest Fun Tales Collection, TheWorld’s CraziestCats& OtherStories is available from WWW.DCTHOMSONSHOP. CO.UK for just £7.99.