Ask Helen
Celebrity agony aunt Helen Lederer gives you her heartfelt advice every week
Losing your mother is a huge event, and people can become irrational at times of grief
As someone who has been a social worker, mother, wife and divorcee I have been around the block a few times. I’m humbled to answer your questions and feel that if a problem can be shared it can be halved – at the very least.
This must be such a distressing time for you all, and at such a heightened time, emotions do change – people become irrational at a time of grief. Losing one’s mother is such a huge event and it’s not uncommon to tussle over material items. This is a way of holding on to the person one has lost, and to keep a connection to the past. Try to reduce the sense of injustice you are feeling by reminding yourself that you are both experiencing extreme grief – as hard as that is right now.
There are various ways to approach this dilemma. You could say firmly that your mother allocated these items very specifically and that you were promised the ring and your sister the earrings. Perhaps suggest that, while this was stated clearly to you both by your mother, you could delay the division of items for a couple of months as you both need time to adjust to her death. Try and take the heat out of it now and avoid any further entrenched positions. Do you have written evidence of this allocation in her will?
Remind yourself that your sister is not a bad person, she just needs time to adjust to the loss. Please don’t let this add to your grief. There will be a positive outcome when emotions are less raw.