Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
Calamity Chris inherits a client who makes him look like Captain Sensible…
Sometimes I’m lost in admiration at the patience displayed by some of my customers in employing me as their catsitter. Every now and then, though, I find a customer who’s lucky to have me.
The customer in question shall remain completely nameless (Phil). Phil has been blacklisted by every other catsitter in the area because he’s a one-man disaster, a total liability. I suppose we were a match made in heaven.
I was first introduced to
Phil by a catsitter with the non-confidence-inspiring business name Moggy Mayhem. Even she couldn’t put up with the level of mayhem Phil caused, though.
On her first visit to look after his two scruffy tabby boys, she walked in to find he’d gone off on holiday leaving an oven gas-ring alight. As if trying to make sure he burned his house down, he’d also left an empty cereal box lying inches from the flame.
Continuing through the house, she found the back door wide open. In fact, the only closed door in the entire house was the one Phil had used to accidentally shut both cats in a bedroom – a room they’d destroyed over the next 24 hours, ripping up the carpet and removing half the wallpaper in an attempt to dig their way out. They’d also
He’d left a cereal box lying inches from the lit gas ring
discovered that duvets double as excellent litter trays!
On Phil’s return, he discovered in no uncertain terms that he’d lost yet another catsitter. Only one man could help now…
“Hi Chris, it’s Anna from Moggy Mayhem,” said the voice on my phone. “I have a customer asking for a referral, but he’s a complete nightmare, a liability, so I don’t think you’ll be interested…”
“Yes, that’s fine,” I replied. “He can call any time today.”
Phil called a month later. He’d lost my number, couldn’t recall the name of Anna’s company and finally found me in Yellow Pages, which I’m not in. On meeting him, he said he’d pay in advance for his first booking, just as soon as he got round to booking a holiday.
The next morning, £450 in £10 notes dropped through my letterbox with no accompanying letter. My wife found cash spread all over the mat and couldn’t quite believe what she was looking at.
“No idea,” I told her when she asked if I knew about it.
Turned out Phil had “got round to booking a holiday” half an hour after I met him. In fact, he’d booked three – he has one about every six weeks.
My first catsitting visit to his place trumped Anna’s by quite some way. I arrived to find the entire rear wall of his house missing. Maybe he should’ve told me he had builders in…
I’ve looked after Phil’s cats for years now, and it’s been a roller-coaster ride. Last week, though, I had to break the news that I’m relocating to the Isle of Wight and won’t be able to look after his cats any more.
“Oh yes, you will!” he exclaimed. “I’m planning on moving there myself soon. Coincidence or what?!”
Ah. Moggy mayhem by the sea then…
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