Time To Get Out There

The garden is the place for dating for the doubtful

You need to get back outthere, Mum, you really do.” Ryan gives me a look over the rim of his mug of tea.

“I really don’t!” I reach for a ginger snap and dunk it down too long in my tea like I’m trying to drown it. I don’t want to talk about this.

“You say it like ‘out there’ is just popping the bins out front, but it’s not. It’s out there – dating! I’m too old. I wouldn’t know what to wear or what to talk about. I can’t do it.”

I thunk my mug down on the counter as if that’s the end of the matter.

“Now, Mum – you can do anything you set your mind to…” He laughs.

When he was a boy and got stuck on something – tricky sums from school, his spellings, even trying to open a tin of beans for the first time, he’d get all grouchy and say he couldn’t do it.

I’d give his chubby little cheek a kiss, and say, “Yes, you can, love. You can do anything you set your mind to.”

“Funny.” I blow a raspberry at him. “Not the same thing at all. I’m not going on Tinder – all that swipe right, swipe left. I’m bound to mess it up.”

The first time I did an online shop, I thought I was so brilliant. Everything arrived – veg, cereal, pasta, sausages, toilet paper, etc – in my slot.

But then, two hours later, the whole lot arrived again – because I’d somehow submitted the order twice.

If I went on a dating app, who knows what might go wrong? I could arrange to meet two different men in the same pub at the same time!

“Actually, you really are too old for Tinder,” he tells me.

“Oh gee, thanks.”

“But there are loads of dating apps for the over-50s. We can look later. I’ll help you – take a good pic of you and all that.”

“Oi! Over-50s! I’m only just 50.” “Yeah – exactly. 50 plus two and a half months – over 50. I’d best get off to work, Mum. Bye. Love you.”

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I’m standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, wondering, do I really look 50? I’m not much of a one for make-up, unless I’m going somewhere special, but I put on some mascara and a lick of lip gloss.

If Ryan really is going to take my picture later for a dating website, I’d better make a bit of an effort. I nip back to the bedroom to change out of my ancient T-shirt into a pretty blue top that my friend Sara says makes my eyes sparkle, then I run my fingers through my hair but it still looks the way it always does – brown and boring.

I’m so used to looking at my reflection that I don’t really see me any more. Am I still attractive? It’s been so long since I went out with a man, had someone look at me like it was a pleasure.

I’ve only met Mike once before, when he came round to look at the concrete mess and measure up for the new patio.

“Hi, Mike. How are you?”

He looks a bit taken aback. Have I got mascara on my nose or something?

“You look… er… nice,” he says. “You off somewhere special?”

“Well, I was – um… no, nowhere.” I don’t want to admit I’ve put on make-up and a smart top because Ryan’s going to take my picture for a dating app. Doesn’t it sound a bit desperate?

I show him the side gate so he can take the bricks and stuff through to the garden then take him out a tea. We stand there side by side.

“This could be lovely,” he says.

“Yes, I hope so.” I shrug. “I’ve been meaning to put some work in on the garden but didn’t feel like it for ages, what with one thing and another…”

Johnny always did the garden. Well, he mowed the grass and hacked back the shrubs when he could be bothered. Mostly, he just sat out here, smoking and drinking cans of lager.

To be fair, the horrible concrete wasn’t his fault – it was there when we moved in and we always said we’d change it, just never got round to it. Used up all our energy in arguing…

Mike points to the far corner of the garden. “Have you thought of having a bench there as well? You should get the morning sun there, right? I could make you a pretty arch over it that you could grow roses up.”

“That’s a lovely idea – I always notice how sunny that spot is when I’m making our breakfast.”

“You could take your coffee out there first thing. Listen to the birds. Admire the wonderful patio…”

I look sideways at him and smile and he smiles back then looks away again.

“I have lots of bird-feeders in my garden,” he tells me. “It’s nice – calming, you know. And the birds get used to you after a bit.”

to meet people at your a– I mean, at your… em… stage of life, that’s all. When you go out with your friends, you go to Ciao Bella for lasagne and a glass of wine – you’re not going clubbing, are you?”

“Well, no…”

“And who are you going to meet at the dentist’s surgery? Just men with seriously bad teeth!”

I sneak a sideways glance at Mike again, and he beams at me. He has really nice teeth.

On Friday, it’s Mike’s last day. The patio is all laid and looks amazing. Tomorrow, I’ll go to the garden centre to choose some pots and plants.

I stand in the kitchen and thank Mike for all his hard work, then we get to chatting about which plants we like and I mention I’m going to buy some tomorrow.

“I could come with you if you like,” he says, darting a glance at me. “I mean – to give you a hand with lugging your compost and pots.”

I turn then and look at him properly, and he looks back. It’s not what most people would think of as a date. It’s not a snazzy bar or a fancy restaurant – it’s just going to choose some things for the garden, but I couldn’t think of a date I’d rather go on. I put the kettle on and offer him another cup of tea and he gives me that lovely smile that makes me feel like I’m twenty again.

He nods his head towards the garden, “I guess it’s about time we both got back outthere,” he says, nodding towards the garden and laughing. “Care to join me?”

Growing Up for Beginners by Claire Calman, published by Boldwood Books, PBO, £8.99.

Claire Calman’s warm, witty and uplifting new novel about finding happiness at any age. Four lives are drawn together but can they all grow up before it’s too late? If you’re a fan of Sophie Kinsella then you’ll love this book.

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using wipes or winging it when it comes to cleansing. ◆ Do not smoke. That’s really the beginning and end of it.

◆ Get some sunshine. The term “ever ything in