Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
Chris ponders his daughter’s encounters with delinquent ducks!
Clearing out my daughter Maya’s cupboards during our incremental move to the Isle of Wight, we came across a couple of extraordinary things (well three if you include a dead mouse deposited there by Bodmin).
Firstly, Maya was surprised to find an official document showing that she owned a plot of land on the moon. This strange certificate proved that payment had been made and should she ever be in a position to take up residency, she was most welcome.
Two questions arise about this – which of her parents was so totally stupid as to pay real money for land on the moon, and why did I do it? I don’t even have any recollection of it, but the fact the date of payment was the day after Maya was born suggests that, one, it probably wasn’t her or her mother, and two, I may have been drunk.
Next, Maya found an autobiography written by herself, aged nine as part of a school project. This literary masterpiece amounts to little more than a statement that she hates ducks. Almost every paragraph relates to our feathery aquatic friends. We’d hitherto been totally unaware she had issues with them.
Here’s a few examples:
2005 Ican’tremember anything about my first four years. Then in 2005, I remember the scary moment I was chased by hungry ducks. I wasn’ t very fast at that age but they didn’ t catch me. I knew I’ d never forget.
2006 Veryhappyyear. I went to Chess ing ton World of Adventures for the first time (this was one month after she spent two weeks at Disney World – she didn’t even mention it). Ialsowentto Center Par cs, and I noticed ducks coming out of the lake, and there were some gee se with them. I was terrified but I managed to get back to the house. I didn’ t even have breadwithme.
2007 Aswellasbeinga great school year I have happy memories. But I remember being on a picnic on a beautiful day, the sun was shining. I was eating a cheese sandwich when I heard a sort of quacking noise. I thought it was ducks safely in the river behind but then about twenty of them came crashing out the bush es. I threw my sandwich at them an dr an but they kept chasing. I escaped in the end!
2008 I’ ve had encounters with angry ducks before but none like in the school holidays of 2008. There I was by the river, throwing bread to the swans when I realised there were 4 ducks standing at my feet, staring up at me. I threw some bread to them hoping that would be enough, but that only brought more ducks. I was running out of bread and they began to close in. So Iran with about 50 ducks giving chase. I only just escaped that afternoon. That terrifying afternoon. But it was a happy year because I turnedeight!
What sort of autobiography was that? If she hates ducks that much, maybe she would be better off on the moon!
Maya’s autobiography told of how much she hated ducks