Shobna Gulati “My Book Is A Tribute To My Mother”
Corrie star Shobna Gulati opens up about both the pain and the joy of caring for her mother throughout vascular dementia…
Making different career choices to look after an ageing parent is an act of sacrifice that is not easy to make. But actress Shobna Gulati, who starred in CoronationStreet and dinnerladies, selflessly put her mother’s needs before her own when she became her mum’s carer alongside some of her siblings. Shobna’s mother, Asha, died in November last year, aged 79, after a battle with vascular dementia.
Despite the upheaval it meant to Shobna’s life, she has no regrets about her decision. “I felt it was a privilege to look after Mum,” explains the 54-year-old actress, who’s best known as CoronationStreet’s Sunita Alahan. “I think we should reinterpret the idea that caring for someone is a hardship. My mum’s dementia unlocked all kinds of old memories for her.
At times it was magical being with her – the room would be filled with thoughts and stories that I’d never heard before and I’d love going on that jjourneyy with her.”
Of course, Shobna also found the work exhausting – not just day-to-day chores but dealing with a parent in failing health. “Mum would sometimes get frustrated and combative and it was exhausting. You have to dig deep and sometimes you are not successful because you lose patience and you can berate yourself for that.”
However, a shared sense of humour between mum and daughter would always lift the mood again. “Mum was always really funny. Within all of what was going on there would be a witty quip and we’d often be left shaking with our customary silent laughter.”
As Asha’s illness got worse and she no longer felt comfortable going out, the TV became her portal to the world. “She especially loved adverts with children in them; that’s where her head was. Like she was a young mum again. She’d like a Mr Kipling advert where a little boy brings a cake home for his sister. It reminded her of us when we were small children.” Shobna is the third of four children.
She wrote about a day in the life of her mother’s story in a blog for Alzheimer’s Research UK to help to lift some of the taboos around dementia in the Indian Hindu community in which she grew up. She was later approached by a publisher who commissioned her to write a memoir, and Shobna has penned a moving and deeply personal story that details the difficulties in Shobna’s relationship with her mum as well as her mother’s decline.
Shobna’s memoir explains how her mother’s final illness brought them closer. The family had been devastated in 1985 when Shobna’s father, Kulbhushan, a GP, died suddenly at the age of 49, leaving Asha a widow with four children when Shobna was just 18. Shobna went to university and then into the arts, becoming a dancer, choreographer and actress, which took her on a different path, away from the more traditional community and family y expectations into whic ch she had been born.
When Shobna divo orced and later became a single parentp – her son, Akshay, is nown 25 – Shobna had to face ev ven more judgements from her familyf and the wider commu unity.
“It’s about perspec tive and the lens through which h you see someone, but through h my lived experience I can see howh some of the choices I made putp pressure on my mum and my family,” explains Shob bna.
The good news is th hat over the years, mum and daughter made peace and Shobna stepped up to ensure her mother’s final years were as happy and comfortable as they could be.
Shobna hopes her book encourages more discussion of dementia. “I wanted to o use my platform as someone in the public c eye to bring this story to a wi ider audience and break do own stigma. Dementia is an n illness that impacts many peo ople and their families,” says Sh hobna. “I wrote the book from mym heart – it is my tribute to my y mother.”
Her mother’s illness brought them m closer and they made peace