Chris Pascoe’s Fun Tales
Chris tries biking again – with the same results as last time!
Against my better judgement, I bought a new bicycle the other day. Well, I say new, it was second hand and advertised as free with the words Ijust wantridofthething. So obviously, I collected it within half an hour. It was only a few miles from home so rather than try to jam it in the back of our small car, I asked Lorraine to drop me off and I’d “ride it home”.
It’s been a while since I last rode a bike and regular readers may remember that the last time I did so, I hit a tree stump at speed, my bike disappeared from under me, and I ended up running downhill at 30mph before launching headfirst into stinging nettles. For some reason I haven’t ridden since.
I had no idea how quickly what little cycling stamina I had could disappear. A few miles felt like a million, slight inclines like Everest. Within minutes of starting back, I was exhausted and without a phone. By the time I’d pushed the bike all the way home, it was dark and Lorraine had considered coming out to search for me. Only “considered” though – I’d been missing 2 hours.
A few days later, with the bike having been dumped unceremoniously in my back garden, I decided I’d give it another go, not repeating my initial mistake, but building up nice and slowly with short gentle rides. I pedalled off in baggy shorts and a ridiculous looking helmet that Lorraine had insisted on, looking the complete opposite of those sleek Lycra-clad young people who zip around.
After a little way though, I couldn’t help but feel I was doing OK. A little slow and wobbly but over all, I decided, looking good on my first proper outing.
Until the old lady.
Pedalling along towards her on a bridleway, I couldn’t
My saddle gave a shriek and suddenly sank to my knees
help but notice her grimacing as I got close, then when I almost drew level, she pumped her fist by way of encouragement and shouted, “Keep going! Keep going!”
Hmm. There seemed to be a slight hint in those words that I didn’t look very good on a bike at all. A few minutes later, my saddle gave a little shriek and suddenly sank so low my knees came up to my waist. Dismounting in a complete crouch, I attempted to lift the saddle back up with only very limited success. I was going to have to ride home only feet off the ground.
Determined to make it back without having to get off and push, I started up the final hill (tiny incline) to my house. Huffing and puffing, my knees now almost hitting my chest as I pedalled, I suddenly realised a couple of walkers had drawn level with me and were slowly overtaking. I looked up at them, and they looked down at me, three feet high to my helmeted head. “Morning!” they said, waving cheerily as they carried on, leaving me wobbling along in their wake.
So, there’s now a free bicycle advertised for collection again. I just want rid of the thing.