”I survived domestic abuse – now it’s my turn to help others”
Dani Wallace, 36, a mum-of-three from Preston, tells how she overcame domestic abuse in her twenties and now mentors other women, winning support from celebs including natasha hamilton
When lockdown started, my first thought was about all the abused women who wouldn’t be able to leave the house. It made me reflect on the violent relationship I was in during my mid-twenties. How would I have felt if I’d been in that volatile situation now?
When I first met Jason* in December
2008, I was vulnerable. Seven months earlier, I’d split up with Dean*, the father of my first child, Poppy, who I’d been with for four years, which had been earth-shattering.
I’d met Dean while I was working as a Bluecoat at Pontins in Southport. Before that I’d had a glorious time travelling the world as a singer, working in hotels and on cruise ships, but I’d come home when my grandmother Rene fell ill.
My life had been difficult growing up so
I’d been determined to try and create the perfect family for myself that I hadn’t had, with a husband, a mortgage and 2.4 children. But Dean wasn’t ready for any of that and the pressure of the responsibility got too much. In May 2008, two weeks after we’d sent invitations out to our wedding, he left me.
I found myself left with a tiny baby to look after and a mortgage to pay. I desperately wanted to love somebody, and to be loved myself. I was easy prey.
I was working with Jason at a call centre and he was good-looking and charming. Initially, he love-bombed me. He’d run me a bath and put rose petals in it, or he’d let me sleep while he looked after Poppy in the night. Very soon, he felt like part of the family.
Now I know that behaviour is typical at the start of an abusive relationship, as is trying to get the victim pregnant as soon as possible. He’d say to me he wanted to complete our family with another child of his own, and as we were going to be together forever, it was the right thing to do.
By May 2009 – just five months after we’d started dating – I was pregnant with Daisy. Jason was already cheating on me, but my self-esteem was so low I thought no one else would have me. It wasn’t long before the relationship turned violent. He’d come and go and be absent for days, and if I confronted him, it would turn nasty. When I gave birth in early 2010, we’d separated and he was there in the delivery suite texting other women while I was in labour.
fighting back
In May 2010 we got back together, but by August that year, the relationship had become increasingly difficult. On one occasion my parents had to call the police because he went mad and smashed up a laptop and threw an ironing board at me. I was screaming and crying on the floor and even wet myself.
Another time that summer, he got off his head at my best friend’s wedding. When I confronted him, he attacked me, putting his hands around my throat. I had to fight him off or he could have killed me. The following day, he didn’t even remember what had happened. When he was drunk he could be violent, but when he was sober he’d be super apologetic. “I’ll never do that again,” he’d say. I called the police out three or four times in total and they would encourage me to press charges, but I never did. There were rarely obvious physical marks and it was his word against mine. Even though the police were supportive, it can be frightening to think about going through the process of getting someone convicted.
There was also a lot of what we now call “gaslighting”. He would say, “You’ll never get with anyone else because you’re fat, you’re not pretty enough,” or “You’re too stupid.” And when I questioned him about affairs, he’d make out I was the controlling crackpot. In the end, I was frightened of being myself as I didn’t know what he was saying about me to other people. I didn’t really know who I was any more.
The isolation was awful. People would say, “He’s no good, you’ve got to leave him,” and when I didn’t I became even more cut off from them. It’s a vicious circle, as the people you love become more distant and you become more reliant on the relationship you’re in, so it’s hard to realise you’re being abused.
Eventually, things came to a head. On one occasion he was staying with friends and he started threatening me, saying they’d come round and beat me up. For me, that was the catalyst to get help. With the aid of the National Domestic Violence Helpline, I created a statement to take to court to get a non-molestation order in autumn 2010.
Thankfully, that was the end of my contact with Jason and I began the long journey of
‘I didn’t know who I was any more’
piecing my life back together. After two years of supporting him, my finances were floored. Although I had a good job in HR, all my money went on paying for my girls’ nursery fees. I couldn’t afford the mortgage and lost the house, so I ended up sofa-surfing for a while and even relying on food banks.
One night, after tucking my kids into bed, I went to sit in my car. I was incredibly low, thinking all my bad decisions had led me to this place. I felt suicidal, believing my kids would be better off without me.
But in that moment of despair, I thought, “Am I going to let life keep happening to me in such a way that I can’t cope or am I going to choose better for myself and my kids?”
And that’s what I did.
taking back control
With the support of my now-husband Mark,
34, a designer who I’d been friends with for years and started a relationship with when Daisy was around two, I started to pick up the pieces.
Mark encouraged me to sing again and I got gigs at weekends. Then I started to think about how I could use the skills I’d developed while working in HR. About five years ago, I started going live on Facebook and told my story to whoever was listening. People started to message me and tell me I was inspirational.
The real lightbulb moment came when I was watching Bee Movie with my girls Poppy, now 12, Daisy, 10, and Ivy, four, who I share with Mark. There’s a scene where the chubby bee is told he can’t get off the ground because his wings are too little, but he chooses to fly anyway. I thought, “That’s it! I’ll help people to fly anyway, whatever their limitations.”
That was how my business I Am The
Queen Bee started. I’ve been running it for about 18 months in its current format and I hold workshops and give women individual support, teaching them how to tell their stories.
Last year, I met Natasha Hamilton from Atomic Kitten. We ran into each other at a couple of business events in the Cheshire area and we hit it off. She wanted help pivoting her business into the health and wellness industry, so I’ve been helping her build up her talks on stage so she can inspire people. Her message is all about people feeling their best and having the best energy. It’s been great working with her.
With the rise in calls to the National Domestic Violence Helpline during the pandemic, I felt I wanted to give back. So, on 5 June, together with Natasha and several other celebrities including Jessica Cunningham and Eastenders star Tobyalexander Smith, I held an online festival called The Big Festoon. We raised over £16,000 for Galop and Women’s Aid. Most excitingly, I’m getting the charitable arm of
The Fly Anyway Foundation, which aims to help survivors of domestic violence launch their own businesses, off the ground. Given what I’ve been through, I feel it’s the right time to give something back and help other women get back on their feet, too.
It’s been one hell of a ride for me, but I’m lucky now to be in a position where I can help others. I can’t sit back and do nothing while other women are suffering.
For more information see iamthequeenbee.co.uk
2women2many is new and refuge’s anti-domestic violence campaign, which highlights the shocking statistic that two women die each week in England and Wales at the hands of a violent partner or ex-partner. continue your support by:
■ tweeting @new_magazine using
#2women2many
■ if you or someone you know needs support, visit refuge.org.uk or call refuge’s Freephone 24-hour national Domestic abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247
■ if you’ve experienced domestic violence and would like to share your story, email truelife@reachplc.com
Faye Oliver is my friend and she does tattoos, so I find myself looking at her feed a lot. I haven’t got a single tattoo myself, but I can spend hours scrolling through her designs on Instagram.
I think Faye is an incredible artist.
I watch Rosie’s videos quite a lot, she’s so good. I’ve been following her for a couple of months. I met her when I did the Sunday For Sammy concert in Newcastle and I found her very funny. I started following her on Instagram and I saw that her Instagram is massive. She has more than 500,000 followers and it’s because she’s hilarious.