‘Support from strangers helped me come to terms with my assault’
Nadia James, 30, from London, reveals how she founded her mental health app Kinde after coming to terms with the trauma of being assaulted at college
I learned a long time ago that talking to strangers who’ve gone through the same battles as you can be as healing as sharing your problems with those close to you. Sadly, however, I had to learn the hard way.
In 2007, I started my first year studying economics and business at a university in North Carolina in the States. I was born in south London, but my family moved over to New Jersey when I was four.
I was excited and spent the first month on campus like everyone does, meeting new people. But I remember a talk in Freshers’ Week when we were told one in four women report being raped by a man at uni and I thought, “I hope that doesn’t happen to me.”
Sadly, just a month later, I was assaulted by a friend. He was a football player and one evening he asked to join me while I was watching a movie with friends. He stayed after they left and then forced himself on me. I just froze. It was devastating.
Afterwards, I tried to tell my closest friend and she blanked me. I thought, “If my own friend doesn’t believe me, how can I say anything?”
The athletics guys stuck together and I was terrified of addressing it outright. Instead, I felt silenced and retreated into myself. I wanted to leave university, but I couldn’t explain to my mother why and I became increasingly depressed. I found it hard to let my guard down and had a tough time trusting men who tried to talk to me, let alone go on a date with them.
shared struggles
Every year at uni there was a four-day retreat put on by our centre for race relations. I’d always thought it was a bit culty as students would say,
“It changed my life.” But in my third year I went along.
The most memorable activity was called “Break the Silence”. We were in a dark room and everyone shared a past trauma. Everyone, even the privileged, white trust-fund babes, had things they struggled with.
I was able to open up and there were other girls who’d had similar experiences. It was freeing to know that. Finally, I had allies. We could see we were all going through things, but had the capacity to help others. I’m still in touch with everyone from that day.
After college, my grandma booked me a trip to the UK. I flew over in the summer of 2011 – and never booked my return flight. I’ve been here ever since, living with friends in south London, and I love it. It was the perfect way to move on.
I started working at Linkedin, then set up a social media consultancy. Now, I’ve used what happened on the retreat as inspiration for a new social media app I’ve launched, called Kinde.
The idea for it came to me a few years ago. How could I help people with mental health issues caused by chronic illness or trauma, like I had? I decided social media would be the perfect tool.
The app is a safe space for people to connect with others and to access resources. There are no “likes” and instead people send each other kindness. Twitter and Instagram connect people in powerful ways, but they play to human psychology – we want the validation of getting “likes”. But that means not paying attention to what we’re feeling inside, which can affect our wellbeing.
Kinde is a supportive, troll-free environment and there are strict community guidelines. It’s a place to be uplifted and empowered.
For me, good mental health is the cornerstone of a happy life, and I want people to see how they can benefit from the kindness of strangers, just like I did.
Visit wearekinde.com or Instagram @wearekinde