‘Each morning I sobbed because I hadn’t died in my sleep’
EMMA BELLE, 40, IS MARRIED TO GARETH BOWKETT, 33, AND WAS DIAGNOSED WITH BIPOLAR AT 29 – AFTER YEARS OF ISSUES
Emma says:
I struggled through my teen years. Life was chaotic from age 15, and I had experienced trauma. I thought I was depressed, so the doctor put me on Prozac, resulting in an episode that saw me star-shaped in the middle of the road in front of a bus – because, when you give antidepressants to someone who has bipolar, it can send them sky high.
Bipolar was never mentioned because I only ever saw doctors when I was low. In my hypomanic phases, I didn’t think to get help. I’d get very argumentative, fall out with people and make risky decisions. People assumed that was just my personality.
At 29, I had a breakdown. Three people close to me had died in quick succession and I was running a stressful business. I got increasingly manic, until I completely crashed. My world collapsed overnight.
I was terrified of taking medication but couldn’t live like that, so agreed to a low dose of antidepressants – but I quickly went completely manic and paranoid. I’d wake up every morning sobbing because I hadn’t died in my sleep. There were painters outside my flat who I was convinced were spies. I didn’t wash for weeks, barely ate, kept the curtains closed, and got aggressive with friends who tried to help.
Then a friend convinced me it wasn’t depression alone and got me to the doctors where I was asked to track my mood, assessed by a psychiatrist. I was finally diagnosed with bipolar and put on antipsychotics. They saved my life. I was stable enough to get therapy. In the 11 years since, I’ve rebuilt my life.
Before Gareth, I was dating someone whose reaction to me having bipolar wasn’t great. Luckily, Gareth was supportive. I can’t guarantee I won’t get ill again but we can ensure the right support is there. He knows what medication I’d need and how to contact my psychiatrist.
Gareth says:
It’s easier for me to notice when Emma’s low – if she doesn’t want to get out of bed or socialise, that’s quite obvious. But she’s a busy, hard-working person so it’s tricky to recognise when she’s hypomanic. We use tools like the Bipolar UK mood tracker to monitor how she’s feeling. We also have a support network and often check in with each other, with Emma’s consent. Communication is key.
Emma is a mental health and trauma recovery mentor. Find out more at emmakbelle. com. For 24/7 confidential support, call Samaritans on 116 123