It would be good to actually talk!

DEAR energy company/ broadband provider/optician/ comparison website: Thank you for choosing us to annoy with your customer satisfaction surveys.

Here at Grumpy Old Gits, we don’t really give a damn what you think about us. But there are lots of boxes that need ticking and your feedback would be much appreciated.

By completing the questionnaire below, you could help us to help other customers to achieve maximum rudeness and obstinacy when responding to your requests. This should take no more than 10 minutes of your life that you will never get back.

1. Thinking about your dealings with us, did we:

a) Complete the survey promptly, thereby increasing your click count and improving your prospects of a bonus

b) Fail to open the survey request and both follow-up emails?

c) Wait until the second reminder arrived, then begin the survey but fail to submit it?

2. Which of the following best describes your assessment of our team?

a) Utter creeps. Who honestly gives 10 out of 10 for everything? Do they think they’ll get a prize or something?

b) Sickeningly sincere. They’ve clearly agonised over every question.

c) What planet are these guys on? They’ve actually written sentence after sentence in the “how could we improve?” box. Do they think we read this guff?

3. On a scale of 1 to 10, to what extent do you think we viewed the satisfaction surveys as nothing more than market research on the cheap.

1 is “not at all – I think it’s a sincere attempt to improve services”; and 10 being “if you want my help, you’ll have to pay me”?

4. How likely are you to recommend Grumpy Old Gits to other customer satisfaction survey teams?

a) Very likely b) Not very likely c) Who do I know who needs upsetting? d) I don’t have enough friends to risk losing one 5. When planning future exercises to assess customer reaction, which of these would you consider?

a) An email enclosing an online survey that customers will probably ignore?

b) A letter through the post asking them to complete the online survey? Not that you’re desperate or anything.

c) An email thanking them for their business and inviting them to get in touch if they have any comments they would like to make, good or bad?

e) A phone call to ask if they would like to discuss any aspect of the transaction, because you understand how refreshing it is to speak to someone who is genuinely interested.

If you would like to talk to one of our team, please call us on the telephone number hidden somewhere on our website but be advised that we are currently experiencing a high volume of calls and may take up to three days to answer.