Festive message from Kick The Can Party

THIS is a party political message on behalf of the Kick the Can Down the Road Party. Please welcome our chief salesman, sorry, chief executive Ivor Nuffguff:

“Friends, oligarchs and wealthy businessmen, I am proud to tell you that this Christmas will be like no other as we have decided to cancel it and, just as we did during Covid, we are asking you all to stay indoors.

“The next few months are going to be very, very, very difficult and not only for members of The Kick the Can Party. You will be allowed out to visit your local foodbank and to have an operation if you are lucky enough to be given one.

“We understand how disappointing all this will be for you but you are not on your own; many millions of others are using foodbanks and millions are waiting for operations.

“Let me assure you that our Government will be with you every step of the way, and indeed we have reduced our Christmas order for 500 cases of Domaine Leroy Richebourg Grand Cru 1949 to 100 cases, which will mean that this year it will be one bottle per £500,000 donation.

“We apologise for the fact that we are continuing to buy French wine, but the Australians have substantially increased their prices since the pound fell in value.

“You may think that life would be better with a hard Labour Government, but I must warn you that lurking in the shadows is the ghost of Christmas past, Jeremiah Corbyn.

“You may remember Jeremiah as the leader who thought that money grows on trees, but as we all know there is plenty left (no pun intended) in your pockets that we can devise a way of collecting. None of these difficulties are the fault of the Kick the Can Party.

“They have been caused by the war in Ukraine, Covid, the wrong choice of leader in the USA, Matt Hancock swanning off to Australia, the cancellation of the No 77Z bus service, the slowing down of traffic on the M25 by people without jobs glueing themselves to the M20 exit signs and, of course, the unreasonable need for us to properly house immigrants.

“We can promise you an entirely new year shortly after Christmas, but in the meantime, enjoy your forthcoming cold turkey”.